Caleb is a hungry little guy...for the past few days he's been eating more frequently and now he's up to being able to eat 3 ounces at a time.

Something funny...I always knew I weighed only a little bit when I was born (4 lbs. 11 oz), but I guess I never really asked about how "tall" I was. I asked my mom today and she said 14 inches...holy moly...no wonder I'm a midget now! I never even heard of a 14 inch baby! What the heck!

I'm continuing with the pumping and feeding him breastmilk when I accumulate about 2-3 ounces...which is after about 3 pump sessions. My chichis are finally getting to the point where I can kind of feel when I'm "filling up." Small chichi, small tank I guess cuz "filled up" doesn't amount to much milk. Hehe. Oh well...any amount of milk I can give him is better than nothing...

I'm sure (I hope) a lot of women feel this way after bringing baby home, but I really am impressed with Dave and his ability to roll with whatever and do whatever needs to be done for Caleb. I know he's tired and that waking up throughout the night is difficult for him, but he does it without grumbling at all...and he's still very conscious of my needs and taking care of me too. I'm so lucky...

2 week check-up today...

Weight - 9 lbs 5 oz....above average
Height - 21 7/8 inches.....above average
Head - 14.5 inches...average

What's up with that???? Heehee...it was pretty funny when the doctor was showing us the chart....of course, he was obliged to say that he will definitely be a NHS member...

I showed the doctor the times I've been pumping and how little output there is and he seemed a little bit surprised but said that it's just how it is sometimes...he said his wife was like that and that whatever breast milk I can give him is good. He didn't judge or scold or anything, so I felt a LOT better.

Everyone who sees him remarks on how he looks a lot older than 2 weeks because of his size and his full head of hair. He's such a cutie...lying on his tummy he can fully push up his head for a second or two...so cool to see his growth and change!!!

Caleb is two weeks old today...seems like both the longest and the shortest two weeks of my life...

Caleb is going through a growth spurt...I think...a lot of books/sites say that it happens around 2-3 weeks...being the big boy that he is, guess it's happening on the earlier end of the spectrum. He's been eating like mad and sleeping the rest of the time...he'll get up every 2-2.5 hours to eat his 2 ounces, burp, then go back to sleep. The routine lasted all of yesterday, last night, and is continuing today. He certainly doesn't need a growth spurt...he's probably bigger than most 1-2 month olds, but oh well.

As for my nemesis, breastfeeding, well...last night again I started to feel all panicky and anxious about it. As I was pumping at 3:00 a.m. I realized that my milk supply seemed to be dwindling again...I wasn't pumping as much as I had the previous day. I shouldn't compare, I know, but you just can't help it as you sit there and watch the milk squirt (more like drip slowly) out. Dave's suggestion was that maybe I should have Caleb get on the chichi so that it stimulates more milk production. That set me off...the idea of getting him on again and going through the whole cycle of despair made me lose it. I laid off the pump for the next feeding and started up again this morning at 8:00 and 11:30. More milk seemed to come out today than last night, which is positive, but I just can't imagine how I'd ever have enough to satisfy Caleb's hunger needs. For every 2-3 feedings of formula he'll get one feeding of my milk. Luckily so far he isn't fussy about eating either of it...and it hasn't seemed to cause him any digestion problems. Even though I'm not feeding him from the chichi and just pumping, my nipples are itchy...I dunno why. They're still kind of dry/chapped for some reason and after I pump and put my bra back on it gets seriously itchy...the only thing I've read about that is a yeast infection so I guess I'll have to ask doctor about that...

We're going to the doctor tomorrow and that makes me nervous because I know he'll be disappointed that I'm not doing the "real" breastfeeding thing. I guess that's where some of my anxiety came from also...I keep hearing in my mind the questions/comments of, "Why wouldn't you do it if you know it's best for Caleb?" "Why did you give up so quickly?" "You never even gave it a good enough chance." "You're going to regret not breastfeeding him."

I question myself many times a day...am I really that much of a loser that I couldn't persevere for longer? Why don't I have more milk? My chichis never got huge, never felt that "engorged" feeling, never dripped uncontrollably. How come I can be so determined with some things, but it seems like I gave up on this so quickly? Am I just being selfish? Am I just being a big baby? Am I setting Caleb up for failure because of not breastfeeding him? Will every sickness he gets be attributed to my lack of breastfeeding? Will I feel guilty for the rest of my life? Am I going nutts? Am I suffering from depression? What is my problem???????

Anyways, that's today....

Here's the update on the breastfeeding situation...ooh, even the word "breastfeeding" makes me feel anxiety... Anyways, we're pumping and feeding him what we can. It still takes me about 3 pump sessions to get a good 2 ounces to feed him...needless to say, that means we are supplementing a lot with formula. It's encouraging to hear that any breast milk I can give him will be helpful and that there are a lot of people, myself, Leish, Chaylor, etc, who were fed formula and turned out to be healthy, wonderful people. Heehee. I'm also comforted to know that this whole breastfeeding chaos and frustration isn't something only I've gone through...I've heard from several people that they have had really hard situations too...that's comforting.

Today was a hungry, hungry day for Caleb. Luckily, with all of the power outage craziness of last night, Caleb wasn't affected at all. He slept soundly, got up to eat every two hours or so, and was all good. I was scared of putting him so far away in the bassinet in the complete darkness so I kept him on the bed with me last night...but though he sleeps soundly with me next to him, I could barely keep my eyes closed for more than a few minutes before I was opening up to check on him, make sure he was positioned correctly, etc. Every move he made, I was up. It wasn't a restful sleep at all.

As for Dave...he's been a wonderful dad...he gets up with me for every feeding, we still tag team on the diaper changes, he's better at burping Caleb than I am. He's been super supportive when I've been down about breastfeeding. I'm kind of scared of how it's going to be when he has to go back to school...I'm going to miss him a lot, that's for sure!!! One thing I've noticed is that as the days have gone by he gets less and less coherent during the nighttime wake ups...he would sleep through Caleb's cries unless they get violently loud, whereas I'm up with every whimper and move.

Caleb's umbilical stump fell off yesterday and his ding ding is pretty much healed. We gave him his first full bath today and he was a champ...didn't cry at all!!! He seemed to enjoy the warm water being poured over his huge body.

Another experience...he made us go through 3 diapers in one changing last night as the doodoo kept squirting out...it was kind of funny, but hopefully that doesn't happen too often.

Caleb is like me in that he inhales his food, gets very fussy when his food doesn't come immediately, and then gets gassy because he doesn't savor his meal. Besides that, though, he's mellow like his daddy...and loud like both of us when we're angry.

Today was a good day...

Ever since Caleb's birth I have been on an emotional roller coaster. It seems like one day I'll be happy, then the next day I'll be overwhelmed and want to burst into tears all day long. Seems like there's been more bursting into tears days than happy ones, but that could just be because today I don't feel so happy....btw, Merry Christmas.

The whole frustration/unhappiness centers around the one issue of breastfeeding. If there weren't so much pressure to breastfeed, if there wasn't such a stigma attached to formula feeding, maybe things would be different. I am, and always have been, a perfectionist, and I struggle with breastfeeding...not being able to do it well, not knowing how to fix it, not wanting to give up but feeling like a major failure. It doesn't seem to be getting any easier or better...and I know it's been less than 2 weeks and I can't give up yet, but the feeling of wanting to cry everytime I think about breastfeeding sucks.

On the one hand, I hear everyone and their mother talking about the benefits of breastfeeding, how much healthier it is, how there are so many things that come in breast milk that can't be found in formula, how babies are healthier throughout their lives when fed breast milk.

On the other hand, I just can't imagine how I can be the best mother when I'm sore, feel like I'm doing it all wrong, can't supply Caleb with enough milk to save my life, and just don't feel like "bonding" occurs when I'm breastfeeding since he's always asleep at the breast anyways.

I was never breastfed...I don't think there was such a big push for it back then as there is now. I hear of many women who had problems with breastfeeding but persevered through it and loved it afterwards. I also hear of lots of women who had problems with breastfeeding and didn't do it. There's just a lot of feeling of guilt/failure that are associated with "giving up".

It would be nice if I could pump my milk and feed it to Caleb and give him nutrition that way...but, just like when he eats from me, I don't produce enough when I pump. At most I can get a measly 1/2 an ounce total, often times I get a few little bits that don't amount to much at all. Caleb will eat from me for 20-30 minutes at a time and still need supplemental formula...he'll gobble down another ounce or even two after eating from me. Dave and I have been trying to get him to eat more often from me and wean him from the formula...today's been challenging because I'm sore again and there are little sores on my nipples that make feeding him extra painful. Plus it seems like this whole "latching on" business is getting worse, not better. A lactation specialist is coming to see us on Saturday and we have doctor on Monday...I will talk to both and see what is going to really work for us. I know their feelings will be to keep trying because breastfeeding is best...I'm just not sure how much longer I can keep my mental state stable before I get completely depressed and too frustrated.

Well, Caleb is up and I'm sure he wants to eat...here we go...

Caleb latched on yesterday...YAY!!!!! Thank GOD for answering our prayers! He ate from me throughout the day but it seems that for him, eating at the breast equals sleeping...he won't stay up throughout the feeding and eat continuously but will suck vigorously, stop, then start again. Dunno if this is normal or not. It wasn't sore throughout the day when he ate, though, so that was good. We also supplemented with 1 oz portions of formula throughout the day...

Last night we decided we would have him eat from me, then give him 2 oz of formula to supplement. During the middle feeding (2:30ish), he was so ravenous that he made my left nipple get a little blister on it again. The right side was better, but he was still doing more of the gnawing than the sucking that he does when he isn't so hungry. After he ate from me for about 15 minutes on each side, he then mauled his 2 oz bottle and was kind of fussy and then went to sleep around 4. At the next feeding (just now, 7:00), he was super hungry again and ate his 2 oz bottle in record time. Instead of feeding him from me, I pumped and only got about .5-.75 oz, which we fed him too.

We're going to call a lactation specialist today and Caleb's pediatrician to get some help with the whole breastfeeding thing. I REALLY don't want to put him on my left side and have him rip it to shreds again....it was too traumatic to see a piece of nipple hanging off and blood all inside his mouth...

I'm back...dunno how often I'll be able to get on, but here's what been going on.

Caleb Kushi Colmenares was born on December 14, 2008 after what I consider to be 11 hours of active labor (my water actually broke well before this but I didn't realize it so I'm counting the amount of time I actually felt some pain to when he popped out). From 2:30-7:30 I endured increasingly excrutiating contractions...coming about 2 minutes apart for a lot of it. Dave's hand was squeezed completely and I was brought to tears a few times. At around 7:30 the doctor asked me about getting an epidural but I said no. He then went on to tell me that I was looking at another 3 hours of labor since I was only dilated to 7 cm, plus another hour or 2 of pushing. All I needed to hear was " 3 more hours" and I was set to get the epidural...there was no way I could handle that pain for another 3 hours plus pushing. The anesthesiologist came in and it seemed like a miracle that he could time himself to give me the epidural during the short span between contractions. It seemed like almost instantly the medicine started to take effect and I was able to relax and let labor progress without being so tense. I actually think I took little baby naps during this time...and then it was time to start pushing. Right before pushing I started to feel pain in my back and the anesthesiogist came in and gave me a little more to tide me through the deliver. Thank GOD. I think my nurse's name was Kathy and she was really good abotu encouraging me and at the same time sternly telling me how to push and when to push. Pushing took some creativity...we started with the regular pushing first, then switched to Dave being in front of me and using a towel to do a sort of tug of war to increase the effectiveness of each push. After a while of that we went back to regular pushing but that wasn't as effective. Finally they let me grasp onto the side handles and after two hours, Caleb's huge head finally popped out, followed by his endless big body. He weighed in at 8 lbs 11 oz and was 21 inches in length. They did all the stuff with him on the side (yelling like a pro throughout!) and my doctor began to stitch me up...and stitch, and stitch. It took him forever to stitch me up and later I found it was because I had a 3rd degree tear (worst kine) after pushing Caleb out.

Anyways, needless to say I was sore as heck for the next couple days...not just down there, but also my entire back and shoulders from the tug of war and pushing. I also had two raging hemrhoids in my butt (I dunno how to spell that word) that caused me extra pain. On top of that, I still had the fast heartrate thing going on.

Today is Dec. 20 and I still have hemrhoid pain and a little bit of a pulling sensation in the stitches. The worst part, though, is the breastfeeding...or lack thereof. I'm not a pro at breastfeeding...in the hospital we had Caleb getting on in what we thought was a good position (even according to the lactation consultant), but he ended up tearing my nipples apart (literally...like a piece hanging off and fully bleeding after he sucked). We took a little break to let my nipples heal up and gave him bottles in between. We tried to get him back on for about ten minutes at a time with the bottle feeding too, but he started to have a hard time because my milk didn't come out as fast as he wanted...he's a hungry little sucker and doesn't take well to having to wait to eat (like ME!!!). So now we're trying to pump out milk but all I really have at this point is little bits of colostrum and I'm wondering if I screwed myself up royally and missed my milk coming in and now I just won't have any to give him. We've been mixing in the colostrum with his formula and have tried to get him on me again but he refuses...he screams bloody murder when I try to get him on again. It's brought me to tears several times and I feel like a failure, but I don't really know what else to do at this point. Doctor still wants me to try to get him on breastfeeding and I thought that once my milk came in I would go for it again, but now I'm wondering if I'll even have milk to give him. Everyone stresses breastfeeding as being the only way to go and the best for baby...and I know all this is true which just makes my failure feel even worse. I hear of all these women who have successfully breastfed and I just don't know what to do....feeding him formula only is going to make me feel really sucky...Dave tells me that it's okay and that we'll just keep trying with the pump for now, but I don't know if he truly understands how frustrating it is...especially when Caleb is wailing at my breast and refusing to get on.

Beyond all the confusion, though, it does feel wonderful to finally have Caleb here and to be able to hold him and bury my nose into his neck and smell his own special smell. It's cute to watch him do his cross-eyed little look as he purses his lips into a little "o". It's unbelievable to see how good Dave is...how helpful and accomodating and how he'll never grumble about doing everything he has to do. I'm worried about how we're going to make the switch to when he has to go back to work and won't be able to get up with me every few hours to feed and change Caleb. Having my mom here helps...Dave and I do most of the baby stuff, but my mom helps with the laundry, cooking, cleaning, and doing all the other stuff that we can't. When Dave had to go to work on Friday and I had to take Caleb to the doctor, it was so much nicer to have someone to go with me instead of having to do it alone.

This weekend we have people coming over since my dad is visiting...it's been my dad, brother and family, and sister and family, so that takes some energy but I know everyone just wants to be here to see Caleb. As long as they don't stay too late, I'm okay...I have a good grouchy face that lets people know when I'm ready to have my peace and quiet again! I'm not the best when it comes to lack of food or sleep...and being frustrated about other things makes it hard to put on a cheerful face sometimes.

Anyways, this is a novel but I needed to vent and collect my thoughts. I know that God hears my prayers and is answering them for me in ways that I may not see yet. I just have to remember that I have been blessed and that God is in control...He knows what I need and when so it's all good.

No Caleb overnight. We're going to a craft fair so that I can walk around some and see if we can get him to come this weekend. Man, I just want him here already!!!!!

NO BABY YET!! Went to the doctor this morning...I'm still at 3 cm dilated. He hopes it won't come to it, but we've scheduled an induction for Friday, Dec. 19. Dave's birthday!!!! I'm still praying Caleb will come today but it's 11:30 and no contractions. Dr. tried to stretch things out in there but so far, nothing. Oh well. Maybe I'll even have to go to school on Monday...maybe that will kick him into gear. I'm not a patient person so it's going to be hard waiting for him to come out. Last night I barely could get a full hour's sleep in before I was up and tossing and turning, wondering if I was feeling anything. I kept dreaming that I was going into labor. Not fun. Not comfortable. Yuck. I need a nap. Dave says I should NOT lie down because we want gravity to force him down so I dilate more...yea, whatever dude...you try not lie down when you're a 140 pound round thing. I told my mom that I'm going to be tired and grouchy today and she said that it's nothing new. Whatever. I'm going to be MORE tired and grouchy today.

We did go to Pearlridge yesterday after Dave was done with school and walked around quite a bit. I think the only thing I have to thank for that is a lot more of my Christmas shopping done and a sore back. Went to Toys R Us too and found some stuff. I think my list is almost pau, wrapping is done for everything that I've gotten so far. Yay.

Dang this weather is nutts. Gonna be our luck that it's going to be nutts like this and we have to head to the hospital!!!

Watched an episode of A Baby Story earlier today and my mom and I had to laugh cuz the baby was SO ugly. My mom said that's what Caleb's going to look like! I know babies sometimes come out with coneheads, but this baby's head was beyond CONED...it was crazy!!! And he had a full head of dark black hair, which for some reason always makes a baby look even more crazy. Infants are just not cute...I have to mentally prepare myself for that. I know when my nephews were born I was just not too interested in them for a while cuz they were just too fragile and not cute. I know every parent says that their kid is "precious" but I think Dave and I might look at each other and laugh cuz we are anticipating an ugly baby.

I still don't feel any pains...in fact, I'm thinking I feel less heaviness and discomfort today than I did in the past couple days. Dangit. My mom and I will go eat lunch at Pearlridge and walk around to get this sucker going. Now that I'm kind of set with my lesson plans I just want Caleb to come (tomorrow).

Last night for the first time I didn't get up and stay up...I got up for the usual pees, and there was one time I thought I might need to turn on the light and read, but I fell back asleep. Yay. Got up with Dave and I feel good so far.

I'm worrying about my kids a little bit...my poor sub has to keep my class of 34 in with him for lunch today...that SUCKS!!! Poor guy. What an ugly, ugly day, and this is when the kids get all nutts. I can just imagine how restless they are with no recess and no lunch. Yikes.

Anyways, we'll see what doctor says tomorrow. I really hope I'm dilated to like 4 and he tells me to just get ready for the contractions and then head to the hospital. I'm ready...as I'll ever be.

Yay! Made it through another day. I'm going to walk around choke tomorrow so that Caleb comes on Friday. Figure we'll either have a baby or I'll get some much needed exercise...either way, positive results. We changed our doctor's appointment so it's in the morning on Friday...I want to know where we're at...if I'm still stuck at 2-3 then maybe I'll go back to school on Monday. We'll see. I'm thinking that just cuz I took off, Caleb's going to stay inside...

I'm having major heartburn again. I thought that was supposed to go away as he drops down. Dangit, must mean he's still high up. It sucks. I'm so ready to be done with being fat and uncomfortable. I have cellulite everywhere and Dave and I can't even walk past each other in the shower without my belly rubbing against the wall, which is so gross to me. And I'm tired of sleeping on my side because my jaw is all sore again. Yea, complain complain complain. That's what this paragraph is all about.

On happier notes...I'm getting more excited to see what Caleb looks like...even though when I look at infants, they just aren't that cute! Heehee. I really wonder how big he is...is he going to be like me or like Dave? Will he be pale or dark? Will he have lots of hair or be bald?


btw - spaghetti sauce in crock pot tasted the same as spaghetti sauce on the stove and took way longer...no difference

What a wonderful day of staying home....I woke up with Dave so that I could make sure I didn't waste the day away...started off with doing my lesson plans, then created their Qtr. 2 Reflection, graded the last of the papers I had, inputted grades, and did their book sign out cards. Yay. Made dinner (spaghetti in the crock pot!). Did laundry and washed our sheets. Then I lounged around for a little bit and tried to take a nap (it wasn't very restful).

No new pains today...still getting those sharp pains in my leg sockets. Those are weird. Caleb's moving still, his bones are hitting my pelvic bones.

Mom helped me sterilize stuff, clean the bassinet, put stuff away, put the sheets back on the bed.

Called in a sub for Thursday and Friday...Dave got a sub for Friday. I have a feeling he's coming that day...we'll see!

I keep worrying that I won't know I'm in labor. My mom's story of nearly having my brother in the toilet and having him a mere 45 minutes after her water broke, with no signs prior to that, doesn't make me feel any better.

I'm taking the day off tomorrow. Today wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but I'm TIRED. Tonight at the ukulele concert I noticed a lot of Braxton-Hicks contractions...they aren't sore, but my stomach is getting hard as a rock with each one, and they aren't that irregular anymore. Then I had a weird feeling when I was standing up...like the socket of my leg was all out whack. That's been happening more often lately. And I feel like some kind of bony part is pushing on my pelvic bone on the right side. Sometimes when he's moving around a lot I feel pressure in my butt bone and lower back...I hope that doesn't mean I'll suffer with back labor. We'll see what all this adds up to...

Caleb is still moving around a lot so I don't know what that means. I read in the book that when he lodges himself down there I should feel less movement...I dunno.

Dave is installing our car seat right now. I'm so not into that kine stuff...I'll leave it all up to him to figure it out.

Kay, going to bocha and go sleep. I'm sure I'll be up at around 3 a.m. tossing and turning and then having to turn on the light and read in order to go back to sleep.

Caleb hasn't arrived yet!!! Yay!!! I keep wondering just how I'm going to know labor is starting...it's like constant pressure down there, lots of tightening of my uterus, choke discharge, but nothing else. Caleb still moves a lot and hiccups all the time. I don't think he's settled down there yet...I don't any more of an intense urge to pee than I did before and my stomach still looks like it's pretty far up. I'm debating taking Monday off just to cruise...I've been sneezing and having runny nose and I don't want to be sick when he arrives. We'll see. I already set up my lesson plan for Monday just in case he made his debut this weekend so it's not like I have to scramble for that. I just don't want the kids to get all nutts cuz they think I gave birth when I don't show up. We'll see...

My body has been training to wake up throughout the night...the other night it was 3, then 2:30, then last night I got up at 4. Basically I try to just read and then I'm able to fall asleep again for a few hours.

JJ is staying over with us tonight. He should sleep pretty much the whole night...hope so, anyways. It would be pretty funny if we gotta go hospital tonight. Nah, I doubt it.

Doctor today...

Weight = 141

Dilated = 2-3 centimeters

Doctor thinks Caleb will come before our next appt on our due date (the 12th). We're praying Caleb stays put at least until the 12th but who knows.

Saw Lanj's twins today...Alia Joyce and Bree Jenna. Alia was 5 lbs 9 oz and 18 inches long. Bree was 5 lbs 2 oz and 16.5 inches long. So cute!!!!!