Ever since Caleb's birth I have been on an emotional roller coaster. It seems like one day I'll be happy, then the next day I'll be overwhelmed and want to burst into tears all day long. Seems like there's been more bursting into tears days than happy ones, but that could just be because today I don't feel so happy....btw, Merry Christmas.

The whole frustration/unhappiness centers around the one issue of breastfeeding. If there weren't so much pressure to breastfeed, if there wasn't such a stigma attached to formula feeding, maybe things would be different. I am, and always have been, a perfectionist, and I struggle with breastfeeding...not being able to do it well, not knowing how to fix it, not wanting to give up but feeling like a major failure. It doesn't seem to be getting any easier or better...and I know it's been less than 2 weeks and I can't give up yet, but the feeling of wanting to cry everytime I think about breastfeeding sucks.

On the one hand, I hear everyone and their mother talking about the benefits of breastfeeding, how much healthier it is, how there are so many things that come in breast milk that can't be found in formula, how babies are healthier throughout their lives when fed breast milk.

On the other hand, I just can't imagine how I can be the best mother when I'm sore, feel like I'm doing it all wrong, can't supply Caleb with enough milk to save my life, and just don't feel like "bonding" occurs when I'm breastfeeding since he's always asleep at the breast anyways.

I was never breastfed...I don't think there was such a big push for it back then as there is now. I hear of many women who had problems with breastfeeding but persevered through it and loved it afterwards. I also hear of lots of women who had problems with breastfeeding and didn't do it. There's just a lot of feeling of guilt/failure that are associated with "giving up".

It would be nice if I could pump my milk and feed it to Caleb and give him nutrition that way...but, just like when he eats from me, I don't produce enough when I pump. At most I can get a measly 1/2 an ounce total, often times I get a few little bits that don't amount to much at all. Caleb will eat from me for 20-30 minutes at a time and still need supplemental formula...he'll gobble down another ounce or even two after eating from me. Dave and I have been trying to get him to eat more often from me and wean him from the formula...today's been challenging because I'm sore again and there are little sores on my nipples that make feeding him extra painful. Plus it seems like this whole "latching on" business is getting worse, not better. A lactation specialist is coming to see us on Saturday and we have doctor on Monday...I will talk to both and see what is going to really work for us. I know their feelings will be to keep trying because breastfeeding is best...I'm just not sure how much longer I can keep my mental state stable before I get completely depressed and too frustrated.

Well, Caleb is up and I'm sure he wants to eat...here we go...