Caleb is two weeks old today...seems like both the longest and the shortest two weeks of my life...

Caleb is going through a growth spurt...I think...a lot of books/sites say that it happens around 2-3 weeks...being the big boy that he is, guess it's happening on the earlier end of the spectrum. He's been eating like mad and sleeping the rest of the time...he'll get up every 2-2.5 hours to eat his 2 ounces, burp, then go back to sleep. The routine lasted all of yesterday, last night, and is continuing today. He certainly doesn't need a growth spurt...he's probably bigger than most 1-2 month olds, but oh well.

As for my nemesis, breastfeeding, well...last night again I started to feel all panicky and anxious about it. As I was pumping at 3:00 a.m. I realized that my milk supply seemed to be dwindling again...I wasn't pumping as much as I had the previous day. I shouldn't compare, I know, but you just can't help it as you sit there and watch the milk squirt (more like drip slowly) out. Dave's suggestion was that maybe I should have Caleb get on the chichi so that it stimulates more milk production. That set me off...the idea of getting him on again and going through the whole cycle of despair made me lose it. I laid off the pump for the next feeding and started up again this morning at 8:00 and 11:30. More milk seemed to come out today than last night, which is positive, but I just can't imagine how I'd ever have enough to satisfy Caleb's hunger needs. For every 2-3 feedings of formula he'll get one feeding of my milk. Luckily so far he isn't fussy about eating either of it...and it hasn't seemed to cause him any digestion problems. Even though I'm not feeding him from the chichi and just pumping, my nipples are itchy...I dunno why. They're still kind of dry/chapped for some reason and after I pump and put my bra back on it gets seriously itchy...the only thing I've read about that is a yeast infection so I guess I'll have to ask doctor about that...

We're going to the doctor tomorrow and that makes me nervous because I know he'll be disappointed that I'm not doing the "real" breastfeeding thing. I guess that's where some of my anxiety came from also...I keep hearing in my mind the questions/comments of, "Why wouldn't you do it if you know it's best for Caleb?" "Why did you give up so quickly?" "You never even gave it a good enough chance." "You're going to regret not breastfeeding him."

I question myself many times a day...am I really that much of a loser that I couldn't persevere for longer? Why don't I have more milk? My chichis never got huge, never felt that "engorged" feeling, never dripped uncontrollably. How come I can be so determined with some things, but it seems like I gave up on this so quickly? Am I just being selfish? Am I just being a big baby? Am I setting Caleb up for failure because of not breastfeeding him? Will every sickness he gets be attributed to my lack of breastfeeding? Will I feel guilty for the rest of my life? Am I going nutts? Am I suffering from depression? What is my problem???????

Anyways, that's today....