I'm back...dunno how often I'll be able to get on, but here's what been going on.

Caleb Kushi Colmenares was born on December 14, 2008 after what I consider to be 11 hours of active labor (my water actually broke well before this but I didn't realize it so I'm counting the amount of time I actually felt some pain to when he popped out). From 2:30-7:30 I endured increasingly excrutiating contractions...coming about 2 minutes apart for a lot of it. Dave's hand was squeezed completely and I was brought to tears a few times. At around 7:30 the doctor asked me about getting an epidural but I said no. He then went on to tell me that I was looking at another 3 hours of labor since I was only dilated to 7 cm, plus another hour or 2 of pushing. All I needed to hear was " 3 more hours" and I was set to get the epidural...there was no way I could handle that pain for another 3 hours plus pushing. The anesthesiologist came in and it seemed like a miracle that he could time himself to give me the epidural during the short span between contractions. It seemed like almost instantly the medicine started to take effect and I was able to relax and let labor progress without being so tense. I actually think I took little baby naps during this time...and then it was time to start pushing. Right before pushing I started to feel pain in my back and the anesthesiogist came in and gave me a little more to tide me through the deliver. Thank GOD. I think my nurse's name was Kathy and she was really good abotu encouraging me and at the same time sternly telling me how to push and when to push. Pushing took some creativity...we started with the regular pushing first, then switched to Dave being in front of me and using a towel to do a sort of tug of war to increase the effectiveness of each push. After a while of that we went back to regular pushing but that wasn't as effective. Finally they let me grasp onto the side handles and after two hours, Caleb's huge head finally popped out, followed by his endless big body. He weighed in at 8 lbs 11 oz and was 21 inches in length. They did all the stuff with him on the side (yelling like a pro throughout!) and my doctor began to stitch me up...and stitch, and stitch. It took him forever to stitch me up and later I found it was because I had a 3rd degree tear (worst kine) after pushing Caleb out.

Anyways, needless to say I was sore as heck for the next couple days...not just down there, but also my entire back and shoulders from the tug of war and pushing. I also had two raging hemrhoids in my butt (I dunno how to spell that word) that caused me extra pain. On top of that, I still had the fast heartrate thing going on.

Today is Dec. 20 and I still have hemrhoid pain and a little bit of a pulling sensation in the stitches. The worst part, though, is the breastfeeding...or lack thereof. I'm not a pro at breastfeeding...in the hospital we had Caleb getting on in what we thought was a good position (even according to the lactation consultant), but he ended up tearing my nipples apart (literally...like a piece hanging off and fully bleeding after he sucked). We took a little break to let my nipples heal up and gave him bottles in between. We tried to get him back on for about ten minutes at a time with the bottle feeding too, but he started to have a hard time because my milk didn't come out as fast as he wanted...he's a hungry little sucker and doesn't take well to having to wait to eat (like ME!!!). So now we're trying to pump out milk but all I really have at this point is little bits of colostrum and I'm wondering if I screwed myself up royally and missed my milk coming in and now I just won't have any to give him. We've been mixing in the colostrum with his formula and have tried to get him on me again but he refuses...he screams bloody murder when I try to get him on again. It's brought me to tears several times and I feel like a failure, but I don't really know what else to do at this point. Doctor still wants me to try to get him on breastfeeding and I thought that once my milk came in I would go for it again, but now I'm wondering if I'll even have milk to give him. Everyone stresses breastfeeding as being the only way to go and the best for baby...and I know all this is true which just makes my failure feel even worse. I hear of all these women who have successfully breastfed and I just don't know what to do....feeding him formula only is going to make me feel really sucky...Dave tells me that it's okay and that we'll just keep trying with the pump for now, but I don't know if he truly understands how frustrating it is...especially when Caleb is wailing at my breast and refusing to get on.

Beyond all the confusion, though, it does feel wonderful to finally have Caleb here and to be able to hold him and bury my nose into his neck and smell his own special smell. It's cute to watch him do his cross-eyed little look as he purses his lips into a little "o". It's unbelievable to see how good Dave is...how helpful and accomodating and how he'll never grumble about doing everything he has to do. I'm worried about how we're going to make the switch to when he has to go back to work and won't be able to get up with me every few hours to feed and change Caleb. Having my mom here helps...Dave and I do most of the baby stuff, but my mom helps with the laundry, cooking, cleaning, and doing all the other stuff that we can't. When Dave had to go to work on Friday and I had to take Caleb to the doctor, it was so much nicer to have someone to go with me instead of having to do it alone.

This weekend we have people coming over since my dad is visiting...it's been my dad, brother and family, and sister and family, so that takes some energy but I know everyone just wants to be here to see Caleb. As long as they don't stay too late, I'm okay...I have a good grouchy face that lets people know when I'm ready to have my peace and quiet again! I'm not the best when it comes to lack of food or sleep...and being frustrated about other things makes it hard to put on a cheerful face sometimes.

Anyways, this is a novel but I needed to vent and collect my thoughts. I know that God hears my prayers and is answering them for me in ways that I may not see yet. I just have to remember that I have been blessed and that God is in control...He knows what I need and when so it's all good.