I have one hour and 20 minutes until I'm ALL BY MYSELF WITH CALEB!!! Lol. We'll see how it goes...I may not be able to get on here for a while!!! I made a big pot of stew because that may be the last real, home-cooked meal Dave and I get until my mom comes back in March. Today I have my first day of taking Caleb in the car by myself to pick up Dave. I'm sure all of these things will become easy to me eventually, but for now it's all NEW. This morning Dave says, "Well, I guess you gotta bring Caleb when you come to pick me up." It's not even something we thought about before because my mom would always be here to stay home with him while I ran an errand or picked Dave up...not anymore!!! Wow. Tomorrow will be the real test...a FULL day without anyone but me and Caleb. And tonight will be the first night he sleeps in his crib instead of in our room in the bassinet...of course, I'm going to sleep in the other room with him...don't know yet if Dave is going to sleep with us, or if he's going to bask in the silence of our room without me and Caleb in there.

Sleep for the past couple nights....well, he's slept in his bassinet again...no more sleeping on me and breaking my back. He's able to get in one semi-long sleep...about 4-4.5 hours after we feed him he'll get up again. Then after that feeding it's the regular 3 hour feedings. So what sucks is like last night...he ate at 6:45 so we figured he'd get up at 9:45ish to eat again, then have his long sleep. Nope. He got up at 11:45, fussed, cried, then ate. Dave took that feeding because no way would he be able to do the 2:45 or 5:45 one since he had to work. So I got up for those two (thank you GOD for helping him not be a fuss bucket at the 2:45 one!)...and at the 5:45 one I just had to stay up from there because Dave was getting up at 6:45 anyways and I had to take him to work. It wouldn't be so bad if I was like Dave and could sleep once my head hit the pillow, but that's just not how I am...and of course, because Caleb's in the bassinet right next to me and I can hear him moving (and because he's on his tummy), I'm checking after every movement to make sure his head is positioned correctly. Luckily I got to take a little nap while my mom fed him at 8:45ish.

So...we'll see how I fare for the rest of the week by myself...

Last night was another tough night...maybe I was just too tired, or the incessant crying from the day wore me out...but when Caleb had his 2:45 a.m. feeding, then started fussing and yelling and refusing to eat...and wouldn't be consoled by anything...and it got to be an hour later...I had to put him down and wake Dave up to take him for a little bit. Dave calmed him down while I tried to calm myself down, then I took him back and we all went to sleep. Caleb didn't sleep in the bassinet at all last night...he was on me for most of the night until my back got too sore and I handed him over to Dave...at 6:25 when Caleb started fussing again, Dave took him. I asked him to let me sleep for 20 more minutes...I should have gotten up and taken Caleb, though, because when Dave left for school this morning he looked EXTREMELY tired.

I have been trying to pass Caleb's crying fits off as "fussiness" but I think he definitely has moved into the realm of "colicky" now...according to everything I've read, he has the symptoms...incessant crying (pretty much everyday), unconsolable crying, and fierce, angry, painful sounding crying with the arched back, flailing arms and legs, and piercing shrieks, even when he's fed, burped, changed. According to the readings, colic starts around 2-3 weeks of age (which is when it started with Caleb), then peaks at around 6-8 weeks (where he's at now), and eases up around 3-4 months of age...whew...I don't know what "peaks" means, but he's had some rough days lately. I'm praying that after the "peak" will mean a decline...but sheez, 3-4 months? I have to keep reminding myself that colic isn't caused by me...and that no metter what I do, he will have crying fits. I gotta also find a way to keep calm...because when he's wailing and fighting me off of him as I carry him, especially in the dead of night, it gets hard to not want to just give up and feel like a total failure.

Dang...what am I going to do when my mom leaves and Dave is at work. I'm scared. I'm going to count down the hours until Dave comes home. I better learn real quick how to sleep when Caleb is sleeping...if he sleeps, since the boy doesn't like to sleep these days. And I gotta reconcile myself to the fact that we might have some lame, quick, easy to make meals for the time being. And laundry might not get done. I just gotta get into a rhythm being alone with Caleb. And I gotta train him to like being in the carrier because I'm going to need my hands once in a while. If he would even like being in the stroller that would help...but this guy is so weird...he doesn't like the carrier, bouncer, swing, or stroller...don't most babies like that stuff? For the past three nights he's been swaddled and on my chest to sleep for his 4 hour stretch. Man, I'm getting payback for the tempermental person that I am with a tempermental baby...

Here's how Caleb slept for the past two nights...swaddled, on me...and he actually slept for a really long time...but this is NOT something I want to make a habit of!!!! He sleeps for about 4 or 5 hours like that, then he gets up, eats, and we put him on his tummy in the bassinet, where he sleeps for another 3 hours, gets up, eats. During his eating times he fusses some, but not much. When he wakes up after that 3 hour time, though, then the fussing begins. He has had a hard two days...yesterday and so far today, he has been having a hard time staying asleep for naps. I don't know what it is...just now he had a 30 minute crying bout after waking up from a short nap. We know he's tired, he just won't stay asleep...as soon as you put him down, he wakes up and starts fussing. My mom leaves on Wednesday so that will be interesting...I'll be on my own for the first time and I wonder how it will be. I'm going to count the hours each day until Dave comes home from work!!!!

Well, yesterday was a fluke! Hehe...nah, Caleb had a hard day today. Started off last night when he didn't want to stay sleeping as Dave tried to put him down. Finally I got up and let Dave go to sleep...it wasn't late or anything, but Dave must have been really tired because a minute after his head hit the pillow, he was snoring. Caleb fell asleep after that, got swaddled, and slept for about 3 hours. Got up to eat, fussed and cried before finally eating, then went back to sleep (actually on his tummy). Got up another three hours later, fussed hard, cried, finally ate, then went back to sleep. This morning he got up at around 5:45, fussed hard, cried, made doodoo, ate only 2 oz, felt better. I actually drove Dave to school for the first time, so Caleb got a little ride. Came home, ate 2 oz, and has been fussy ever since. He's not getting good naps in because he'll fall asleep, then wake up a short time later, even if he's on his tummy. Wondering what tonight will be like...

Wow. Today was a WONDERFUL day with Caleb. He behaved BEAUTIFULLY. He ate, slept, had calm waking periods, fussed a little when he got tired, then slept again. WOW. I'm praying that there will be many more days like today.

Last night wasn't too bad either...he had a hard time getting to sleep initially (put him down then had to pick him up about three times because he wasn't sleeping good...I had to finally straight-jacket (swaddle) him before he would stay asleep. The pattern has been that he'll wake up and want to eat every 3 hours...for the second feeding (3 a.m.) I initially gave him only 2 oz because sometimes he doesn't want to eat during that feeding, but this time he ate it all, I put him down and he continued to fuss so I fed him the other 2 oz and he ate and then slept. The only time he fussed was when he woke up around 6 a.m...and we realized later it was because he was uncomfortable because he had to unload a big bunch of doodoos. For the rest of the day he's been calm, peaceful, happy, satisfied. He slept all of his naps on his tummy. Dave and I haven't decided yet if we're straight jacketing him tonight or putting him on his tummy.

Praying for a good night....

It's 4:45 a.m. and Caleb is damn lucky my mom got up too cuz otherwise he might have got lickens. I was up with him from 2:00 - 3:45, during which time he doesn't want to eat, just wants to freakin' look around. For a good half hour we were in the bathroom so he could look around in there cuz for some reason he likes the vent sound. Of course, though, that means the light is on, which doesn't help him go to sleep. Then he gets fussy in there, I bring him in the living room, and he continues to fuss. He falls asleep, I put him back in his stupid swaddle blanket crap, he goes into the bassinet, pretends to sleep, I wash his bottle and when I go back to his room, he's freakin' fussing again. He won't calm down just by taking his pacifier so I have to pick him up again and rock him back to sleep. Finally I put him down at 3:45, get back in bed, and as soon as my eyes close (4:15), he's frickin' crying like a maniac. We make another damn bottle for him, which he starts to hungrily gulp, then he starts doing his crying crap again....at which point my mom comes out to see what's going on. She takes him from me and he starts to eat again. He's still fussing...fuss bucket...

Caleb got swaddled by Dave, slept for five hours. Then he got up, ate maybe an ounce, fussed, and had to be held for two hours while he looked around...whenever I would try to put him down, he'd fuss. Every so often he'd be looking around, then start wriggling like he was uncomfortable, then fuss. After two hours, he finally fell asleep, I swaddled him in a half okole style, he got nutts, Dave got up, fed him, and he went back to sleep. Then all hell broke loose two hours later...he got one arm out and got pissed as heck that he couldn't get the other arm out. On top of that, his diaper had leaked some shishi, which wet his onesie and his swaddle blanket. He started SCREAMING...my mom even got up and she NEVER gets up when he cries...it was kind of hectic for a bit and definitely intense as he YELLED and woke up all the neighbors. Dave fed him and took him out to the living room...I slept until 9:30 when Caleb woke up and it was time to feed him again...I just couldn't for the life of me keep my eyes open. Today he's been okay...he'll fuss, but basically it's been eat, chill out, and sleep. He had one hold his breath spasm, but I guess we're just getting more used to those that it doesn't freak us out as much.

I don't think I've ever hated football as much as I do now...last weekend and today...I don't know what it is...I think that it's cuz Dave just gets so consumed by it and I don't understand why...it's not like it's his favorite teams, fantasy football is pau, and he's not betting on the games, so what's the big deal? Why does it matter? I just don't get it. I'm going to celebrate Super Bowl Sunday because it's the END of the stupid football season. I used to enjoy Super Bowl parties and I even used to be okay with watching football...but now, I hate it.

So...night two of letting Caleb sleep on his tummy for a long stretch...night two of me getting even less sleep than before! Sheez. I cannot sleep good cuz I'm all paras. I set my alarm to wake me up every half hour so that I could check on him....and I was up more than that anyways. When came time to feed him, I had to let Dave do it...I was SO tired!!! My mom and I went to Toys R Us today and I picked up one of those swaddle me blanket things...we'll try it cuz I'm too scared to put him on his stomach through the night. Granted, he does sleep good for 4.5 hours, but still...my mom and aunty said they both put all of us on our tummies cuz we sleep better that way, but then I go and look online and all the warnings scare me too much. I know Caleb can lift his head and he moves his head from side to side, even when he's sleeping, but it still scares me. He's only 5 weeks old!!! I always get so freaked out. The sucky part is, though, that on his back, he really doesn't sleep well. Even throughout the day...h has to be hella tired (which means he is hella fussy before this) for him to go down on his back and sleep for any length of time. Mostly he'll fall asleep, we'll put him on his back, and not five minutes later he's fussing and crying again. He just startles himself out of sleep and when he is swaddled with the blanket he gets super pissed off and fights against it to try to get his arms out. Don't know that this swaddle blanket will work but it's worth a try.

Caleb slept for 4 1/2 hour stretch last night!!!! We put him on our bed, on his tummy, to see if that would help him to sleep...and it did!!!! It didn't help me to sleep, since I was checking on him every so often and trying to make sure that his head stayed turned to the side, but I was amazed when he finally woke up and I saw how long he had slept!! Dave probably wasn't very comfortable, either, since we were sleeping horizontally on the bed so Caleb would be nearest to the wall and so he'd have a lot of room...but getting that extra long stretch of sleep was definitely worth it! We put him back in his bassinet after his next feeding and he did okay...pulled him back into bed on my chest after a while when he started fussing, though.

The person that invents a paci holder, not the kine that connects the paci to the shirt, but the kind that keeps the paci in the mouth without a parent's hand holding it, will make a lot of money! Lol.

Dangit...just when we think Caleb's figuring it all out...nope! Last night was SUPER duper tiring...he took too long of a nap just before bedtime, then was up after his 10:30 and 4:50 feedings. And I mean up, not going to sleep, looking all over the place but wouldn't let me put him down or stop bouncing kine up. He went to sleep after the 10:30 one at around midnight...went to sleep after the 4:50 one around 6:15. That one I had to hand him over to Dave a little before 6:00 cuz I just couldn't take it any longer. Today he's been fussy as hell, wouldn't let me put him down...he'll fall asleep as I carry him, then once I put him down, not five minutes later he's up and raising hell. I can't physically carry him all damn day...he's sleeping now...my mom put him down on his tummy instead of his back. Sheez, if that's what it's going to take for him to get some decent sleep, I'm doing it...I can't go many more nights with sleep deprivation. I was just watching SVU...after 17 hours of no sleep, a person has equivalent of an impaired blood alcohol level. The girl in the episode killed her roommate cuz she never sleep for like 6 days. Kay, granted, I am getting an hour or two here and there, but sheez. I told Dave the doctors and nurses must know how old the baby is by looking at how haggard the mom looks...I swear, I looked like crap when we took Caleb in yesterday but no can help. Hopefully by the two month check up we'll all look a little better. Dave's kids keep telling him he looks tired...pretty soon he's going to snap and tell them, "No crap I look tired, and you pain in the okoles aren't helping it any!" At this point, I don't even care how big my forehead is...all my hair gets pulled back in a pony, no bangs, nothing. Caleb is getting in the habit of grabbing for whatever stray hair is hanging down and holding on to it for dear life. I'm sure soon he'll start learning to pull. At least he get plenty hair so I can pull his back...lol.

Caleb weighs 11 lbs. 8 oz. and is 23 in. long now. He's in the 95th percentile for height...how's that? I'm so proud of my little guy, especially since it tells me he's far from being a midget like me!!! We always worried...what if we have a son who takes after me in size, then have a daughter who takes after Dave? Poor boy would have issues for the rest of his life...he'd have little man syndrome like me! Thank goodness Caleb's a big boy...

Doctor told me that since my milk production hasn't increased through pumping, I can stop if I choose to. He said he knows it's "kill fight" when you pump and only get 1/2 an ounce. He said I could try the herbal supplements if I wanted to, but not to expect miracles...he also said his wife was in the same boat as me and that it didn't get better with their second child. At least he's honest and doesn't give me false hope that next time will be better.

He advised us to keep Caleb away from crowds for a while still...even after he's 2 months, he'll still be pretty susceptible to getting sick and if he does end up getting feverish it would be guarantee emergency room, spinal tap, hospital stay. I don't think my fragile emotional state could take that...so we'll be cautious. It makes me a little stir crazy to stay at home all the time, but it also makes me a little anxious to be away from Caleb. Yesterday I actually went out for a little while, and that was nice...I needed it big time!!!

Caleb's been a good boy today...I'm hoping that bodes well for tonight. Poor Dave, he's so tired now that he's back at school. He still gets up with me for the feedings, but generally just to get the bottle and make sure I'm situated and okay before he goes back to sleep. I don't know what I would do if I had that old school kine husband that refused to do stuff.

Prayer WORKS!

Monday night...Caleb wakes up at 1:00 a.m....fusses, cries, ultimately drinks his milk and goes back to sleep within about 40 minutes...wakes at 4:00 a.m....fusses, cries, wails, yells, holds his breath for an extremely long time, turns purple, doesn't drink his milk, passes out an hour later after probably denying too much oxygen to his brain, sleeps on my chest and on his tummy on our bed until 8:00 a.m...wakes up famished and fussy again.

Tuesday night...I already feel anxiety as evening approaches...I'm anticipating another rough night...Dave feeds Caleb at 10:30ish...he fusses, cries, drinks his milk...goes to bed at around 11:30...as Caleb cries and Dave tends to him, I start to cry thinking that this is what I have in store for me for the rest of the night...but I pray hard too...and Caleb sleeps until 4:00...I get up before him, just to check, and once he starts to whimper a little I pick him up, change his diaper, and Dave gets his milk. He quietly and wonderfully drinks his 4 oz of milk and goes back to sleep. Thank GOD!!!! At around 6:00 he starts to fuss...Dave grabs him and brings him to bed...he sleeps on my chest until about 7:00, then gets up and starts fussing. At least I'm well rested and the fussing is deal-able. Dang.

Today is our ONE MONTH check up...lots of questions for doctor...should I even keep pumping? If I do, can I take some kind of supplement to help milk production? Can we try the ColicCalm drops that are supposed to help with gassiness and fussiness? How come he had runny doodoos yesterday? Can we start taking him out? Anything else we can do to stop him from holding his breath and turning purple? Is that affecting his brain? Are we going to have a chubby kid or will his growth ease up eventually? How do I differentiate between baby blues and depression?

Today was a fussy day...it seemed from morning until 8 p.m., Caleb needed to be carried, held, and tended to non-stop. His naps were mostly taken while being held, and once we tried to put him down, he'd fuss and wail. He did the holding breath yell a couple times...not as extreme as before, but still...

Since around 7-something after his feeding, though, he's been calm and quietly observing his surroundings. We were even able to put him on his tummy for a little bit so he could exercise his strong neck. He sat around with us, looked around, and let us talk to him...thank goodness. We'll see what tonight has in store for us...of course, it's our first night when Dave has to go to work tomorrow, so we'll see how it goes.

I was talking to Leish today and I told her that I'm sure other mothers feel this way, especially first time mothers, but dang if this hasn't been the toughest 4 weeks of my life. I know it's probably "uncool" or "unmotherly" to say this, but sheez, I've never been so frustrated, depressed, fearful, hopeless, anxious, and lost as I have been in these past 4 weeks. And that's WITH the help of a wonderful husband and my mom!

Everyone says that you "forget the pain" of childbirth once the baby is out...I'm gonna chronicle right here the many pains that were felt after Caleb was born...I'm not saying I don't love him to death, cuz I do and I wouldn't want life without him, but I'm honestly putting forth so that I remember later on all the trials and pains of our first 4 weeks...

• pain of labor pre-epidural - intense, worst cramps times 50, brought me to tears, writhing in bed, squeezing the life out of Dave's hand...2 minutes apart excrutiating pain in my back, stomach, entire body!
  
• pain of pushing - not physical pain, but mental exhaustion of pushing for 2 hours...wondering when his head would actually pop out and why it wasn't coming faster...wondering how I could push "better" and trying...blowing a vein in my head (and, apparently, a couple in my butt)
• pain of hunger - I don't deal well with not eating for long periods of time, and I was STARVING because I hadn't eaten since lunch time and he wasn't born until 1:30 a.m. the following day
• pain of tearing to my butt hole - self-explanatory
• pain of fat hemrhoids (I can't spell this word to save my life) - nothing, nothing, nothing soothes the pain of two fat veins in your butt...sitting hurts, standing hurts, lying down hurts, everything hurts
• pain of pressure "down there" - from the previous two bullets
• pain of the first few doodoos - took me forever to even attempt it, then needed Dave rubbing my back and lots of time to get the doodoos out, even with stool softener
• back pain - they say it's your ligaments readjusting and your spine realligning itself after curving to accomodate your big stomach...whatever it is, it hurts big time...and lifting and carrying a heavy little boy doesn't make it any better
• emotional pain - probably even worse than all the other physical pains put together...crying because of breastfeeding, crying when I can't pump enough milk, crying when Dave tries to "encourage" me to breastfeed, crying when Caleb won't stop crying, crying cuz I can't understand why I'm not better at being a mommy, crying cuz I'm crying so damn much

I think that's about it...so to those of you who "forgot" the pains...more props to you...maybe in time, with my short term memory loss, I'll forget too...but I haven't yet...

Last night Dave and I decided we were going to try to practice how we would handle the nights when Dave goes back to work...the agreement was that he would handle the feedings until midnight and I would handle the ones after that...

Caleb was fussy so we both handled him until he fell asleep around 9:30...then he woke up at 11:00 to eat and Dave fed him for that one. He slept until 3:00, then I got up to feed him...I put him down around 3:30, washed the bottles, pumped, and went to bed around 4:00...then he freakin woke up at 4:30...I fed him, put him down at around 5:15...he got up again at 6:15...I was WAY too tired to feed him so Dave took that one...

I love the fact that he's sleeping a little bit more for that first stretch...hopefully he'll start sleeping more for the other stretches too. We're feeding him 3 oz. at a time now..and it's kind of hit or miss...sometimes he'll finish the whole thing like nothing, other times he'll be a lazy butt and fall asleep without finishing it all. We wasted two bottles last night because he wouldn't drink it all...then at 3:00 and 4:30 he finished both bottles within 20 minutes. I wonder if giving him 4 oz will make him sleep for longer...but I sure don't want to waste any more formula...we are almost through with the big can from Sam's that we bought on Jan. 2...dang!!!! I'm going to ask the doctor if I can take that Fenugreek herb pill to see if that will help me make more milk...a measly .5 ounce per pump is not helping at all!!!

Tomorrow he'll be 4 weeks...and Wednesday he'll be a month. Wow.

God knows EXACTLY what we need, and last night He knew that we needed an uninterrupted stretch of sleep....and we got some...from 10:00 p.m. until 2:00 a.m. Now, granted, we did have to wake up to Caleb fussing and put him on our chests...I don't know what time I picked him up and how long I had him on me, and then when my back couldn't handle it anymore I handed him over to Dave and he slept on him for some...then went back in the bassinet for 1/2 hour before waking up to eat. Seriously, when I looked at the clock and realized how long he had been sleeping, I started to get worried. Once he went back in the bassinet I got up several times to check to see that he was breathing okay...it just didn't make sense that he would sleep for so long!!! I couldn't believe that I actually got to sleep for so long!!! So what do I do...after his 2:00 feeding, I pump, then I can't freakin' go back to sleep!! So I'm up until his next feeding at 3:50...what an idiot. After that he did his usual two hour at a time wake ups... Even my mom said she wanted to come in the room and check cuz it was so quiet...hehe.

We've been making a batch of formula and keeping it in the refrigerator so that we can get him a bottle quickly when he wakes up. I dunno if the cold milk is making any difference for him...the only thing I see is that he dribbles more on his chin in the beginning...

He hasn't been eating as consistently lately...he will fall asleep in between while he's eating a 3 oz. serving. It sucks cuz then sometimes he won't drink the whole bottle in time...and while it's a waste of money because of the formula that gets wasted, it's even more of a waste when I've put the measly .5 ounce of pumped breastmilk in there and he doesn't drink every drop of it.

His face is still super pimply and his hair gets oily so quickly...think he's going to be an every other day bather...plus, his fat neck gets so stink cuz of the milk and sweat that accumulate in there...yuck.

We got a swing to use yesterday so we're going to try it out. We know we can't put him in when he's screaming, but throughout the day it will keep him calm and entertained, hopefully. We've heard from other parents that it's a miracle worker...he's in there right now and he seems to be okay...

I ordered a baby carrier thing from Babies R Us so I'm waiting for it to come...we tried one from Toys R Us here but it was way too complex and uncomfortable for Caleb. Why wouldn't they think to make softer materials on the places that are going to be near baby's face?? Hopefully the one that's coming will be better. He's getting too heavy to comfortably carry him around even for a walk around our complex...I'm going to have some massive arms from lifting and carrying him around...even lifting him out of the bassinet is getting to be a grunt-inducing lift!

I'm tired. I actually was able to take a little 30 minute nap today, but I feel tired now and it's 8:00 p.m., which means our nighttime duty has officially begun.

Today Caleb threw a huge fit...he screamed louder and longer than ever. We weren't at home so I didn't have my ball to bounce on...we were in the car while Dave ran in to Office Depot. I'm sure it didn't take longer than 10-15 minutes but it felt like an eternity. Once the car started going again, though, he calmed down. Dave took him once we got home and they took a little half an hour nap together. Whew.

I get all worried as night time approaches wondering what the night will have in store for us. And I'm trying to push out of my mind that Dave will start work again on Monday...and it's already Thursday...dang. I know he's worried too.

Well, praying for the best tonight...preparing for the worst. Better to expect it than to be caught unaware...

Last night....not peace, but not utter chaos. Caleb had a little fit at around 10:30, but after that he was fine. He still gets up every two hours, which is tiring, but at least he eats and goes down pretty quickly after that. We read on the internet somewhere that a parent had a baby who startled easily and those little movements would interrupt the baby's sleep so the parents made sure to swaddle him tightly and that helped. It worked. Dave swaddled him tightly, he slept soundly. I swaddled him not so tightly, he made little goat sounds throughout his sleep. Next time, Dave swaddled him tightly again, he slept soundly. I will now wrap those little arms tightly even though I feel sorry for him that he's constricted like a little burrito. Caleb is calmer with Dave than he is with me...Dave says that's cuz he's a calmer guy than I am...I guess that could be true...

Caleb is very curious...he loves to look around, especially at the contrast of colors in our closet (I'm going to rearrange the clothes so that it's easier for him to focus), at the blinds, and at shadows on the ceiling.

He's also strong...he can hold his head up while on his stomach for an impressively long time. He has a good grasp and pushes off of you hard too.

For the past two nights Caleb has been throwing major fits. He'll get up, fuss, start fussing harder, and when the bottle comes to him, he's so upset that he won't even eat...he'll suck a few times, then start screaming again. The screaming is intense...and after even just a few minutes of it, you start to lose your mind. He also does this hing where he'll start off screaming, then it will turn into a silent wail and he holds his breath...for a LONG time....until his face starts to get purple and you start to worry that he's going to suffocate. It's really scary.

1/6/09 - woke up at 1:50 a.m., didn't go back down until about 5:00 a.m., woke up at 5:30, 7:45, and 9:20.

1/7/09 - woke up at 11:15 p.m., didn't go back down until 1:00 a.m., woke up at 3:00, 5:30, 7:15, 8:15.

Both times, he would fall asleep, we'd try to put him down, and the wails would begin once more. The first night, I sat in the living room, bouncing him on my exercise ball, and watched as the clock moved from 2:00 to 3:00. By the end of this, I was in tears. I put him down into his bassinet, he got up again. By this time I could barely handle it and Dave took over.

Last night when he started up again we had made a game plan that we would take him riding in the car...he got up at 11:15, we tried to handle it at home, then at 12:15 we took him into the car and drove around for about half an hour. Even when we came back home he was still awake...eventually he fell asleep on Dave's chest and that's where he stayed until he woke up at 3:00.

Things we're trying...making his milk ahead of time so he doesn't have time to get all nutts (he eats formula cold, which is helpful cuz in the time it takes to run the milk under warm water, he gets all nutts), bouncing on the exercise ball, swaddling, sh-sh-ing in his ear, turning on the fan on high, walking around the house, putting on the vent in the bathroom, holding him in different positions, taking him for a ride in the car.

Called the doctor today...he said it's just a phase that babies go through. He didn't think it was the formula or excess gas...he said we could try to change his formula if we wanted to try it out but since Caleb's been on this formula since the beginning and it hasn't been a problem until now, he didn't think it was that.

I looked online and found this thing called Colic Calm, which is like a medicine thing made from 9 herbs. It's FDA approved and has testimonials from parents who claim it really works...we'll try a couple more days and see if Caleb is still nutts...if he is, I'm asking the doctor if we can try this product out. I had asked doctor about drops for gassiness but he said that it's pretty hit or miss with those things. We'll see how tonight goes...

We went to visit my cousin and her twins yesterday...it's amazing to carry a baby that actually weighs what a little baby is supposed to weigh. Hehe. Caleb is a monster compared to the twins...it's kind of funny. I was relieved to hear that I'm not the only person who cries in frustration and has a less than adequate milk supply (she has way more milk than me, but still not enough to feed twins).

One thing I think I want to do...teach Caleb signing...my other cousin has a son a little over a year old and he doesn't talk (except for saying "mum mum" for food), but he does signs and points to communicate what he wants. He has signs for please, thank you, sorry, sleep, etc. It's very effective, especially cuz he's not ready to talk yet.

Happy Three Weeks, Caleb!!!

Observations:

• Caleb's hair is brown...but only right after he showers and it dries. After half a day, his hair is once again black due to the oil that comes out of it.
  
• Caleb's eyes are brown...not quite as dark as his dad's, but pretty close. No light brown eyes for Caleb.
• Every day Caleb's eyebrows get darker...they are my eyebrows and soon he'll be able to give the raised eyebrow look too!
  
• Caleb has a barrel chest like his daddy...hopefully the indentation doesn't get more pronounced as he gets older.
  
• Caleb has a hairy back (his is mainly his shoulders) like his mommy.
  
• Dave insists Caleb has calves like him (which means HUGE) and that his feet are designed to have a good push off when running. He also says that Caleb has wide shoulders, which means he'll have a good physique later on...and he takes credit for all of these things.

Just yesterday I said that Caleb was starting to sleep for longer stretches...last night he got up at 12:30, 3:30, 5:30, 7:30...dangit. And keep in mind that those two hour stretches aren't two hours of sleep time...more like an hour of sleep time after it takes about an hour to feed, change, and put him down. I swear it seems like he sleeps for longer stretches in the daytime than at night. I'm so scared of when Dave goes back to work next week and I'm going to have to handle these wakings all on my own. Right now the routine is that I grab Caleb once he wakes up and Dave makes his bottle. Then one of us (the less tired one) will feed and burp him, we'll both change him, and then (usually) I'll rock him until he goes to sleep. Last night for the 3:30 waking Dave had to do it mostly on his own...I was just too tired. The sucky part, though, is that when I do it mostly on my own, Dave is able to get back in bed, have his head hit the pillow, and sleep. I, on the other hand, am not able to go back to sleep for real until Caleb is sleeping again and Dave is back in bed.

For a couple of nights we had Caleb in bed with us...last night we put him back in the bassinet because I don't want him (or me) to get too used to having him in bed. The good part is that my sleep is deeper because I'm not worried about having him right next to me and I don't get up with his every movement. The sucky part, though, is that I hop out of bed several times after we put him down to check him, especially because he makes so much noise and false alarm cries when he's settling into his sleep. Plus too, I'm so freakin' paranoid cuz there's so much mention of SIDS in all these baby books that I read.

Anyways, needless to say, today I'm freakin' tired. We're picking up Tash for the first time since Caleb's arrival...she's excited to get to see him! She has her first volleyball game today, and usually we'd go and watch, but today we're just going to pick her up after her game is done. We haven't seen her since they visited us in the hospital right after Caleb was born...and prior to that we hadn't seen her for a week so it's been a while.

Tomorrow Caleb makes three weeks old. Wow.

Today we ventured out...well, kind of. Caleb stayed in the car with either my mom or Dave while the other two of us went and did whatever errands/shopping needed to be done. Caleb took a trip to the credit union, toys r us, satellite city hall, and sam's club. He was sleeping most of the time...woke up while my mom and I were in sam's to eat, then promptly went back to sleep.

Here's what Caleb's eating schedule looked like today...

• midnight - 3 oz
• 3:30 - 4 oz
• 7:10 - 3 oz
• 9:15 - 4 oz
• 1:10 - 3 oz
• 3:00 - 3 oz (breastmilk)
• 4:30 - 2 oz
• 7:00 - 3 oz
• 8:15 - 2 oz

We'll probably have at least one more feeding tonight...

I'm trying to figure out just how much sleep I'm getting at night...last night I think I got about 6 hours, which is actually more than I thought I'd get. It's a trip because if you figure in the time you're awake to feed, burp, change, soothe, settle, that quickly turns into about 45-60 minutes easy for each waking. He has been sleeping for longer stretches in the almost three weeks we've had him...hope that's a trend that continues! I keep reading about colic starting at around the third week...dang, if Caleb gets colicky, that's going to be a struggle. Dave's mom said he was colicky so we'll see. My mom said I wasn't too bad. Let's pray Caleb takes after me in that part.

Happy New Year!!

My goals for this year...

1. Be the best Mommy to Caleb that I can be...be patient and loving at all times.
2. Be the best wife to Dave that I can be...see to his needs and stop being mean.
3. Don't lose touch with life outside of my family.
4. Complete Project 365 for Caleb.
5. Use my time at home with Caleb to take care of him, organize our house, and exercise.
6. Fit into some of my old clothes again...tone the tummy and butt!
7. Practice meal planning by the week and budgeting to save money.
8. Complete my PATCH certification so I can babysit.
9. Enjoy every day of 2009...