trip thoughts

i've heard on more than one occasion peeps giving their opinion about both dave and i going on a trip for school and leaving the kids behind. today i heard it again from one of my mom's friends...he didn't say it to me, but he said it to my mom and she relayed it to me.

i'm gonna say it now....it frickin irritates me. first of all, when we agreed to the trip, we didn't envision it this way. our first thought was that we would take my mom, brynna and caleb with us. we asked my mom if she'd be willing to come with us and she said yes. we'd be in our conferences during the day, but we'd be with the kids after we were done. after some thinking about it and the age of brynna and the idea of my mom being cooped up in a hotel room all day for a week, we decided that it would be better to leave them home...caleb with my mom, brynna with dave's parents. that way, if they got sick the doctor is here and it wouldn't be like we would have to make emergency room visits. they'd be in environments that they'd be more comfortable in, with all the equipment that they need.

so...i know that it must irritate me for a reason...and part of that reason is that i do feel bad for leaving them. i know that they'll be in good hands, but i still worry that something will happen and i won't be here to take care of it. i know i'm going to miss them like crazy and i don't look forward to the trip at all. i do feel judged when people make comments about us going...like we're bad parents, or more so, i'm a bad mom, for going. i'm putting my career ahead of my family. anyone who knows me knows that i've wanted to be a mommy more than anything else...so it does feel really shitty to be judged as a "bad" mom.

if i could back out of the trip now, i probably would. the closer it gets, the less i want to go. i love avid, i think it's an awesome program, and i really want to be a part of it....but at what cost? i know i'm going to learn a lot on the trip and i know that's going to help me implement the avid strategies in my class and when i become an avid teacher next school year. still, there's the nagging doubt about if i should really be leaving my one and a half year old and my 4 month old for a week.

anyways, i know it's damned if i do and damned if i don't. whatever...the decision has been made, dave and i are going to the conference, caleb and brynna will stay with our parents for a week. all i can do now is pray that everything works out as it should and we made the right decision. i always said i didn't want to work and be a mom at the same time because i wouldn't know how to give my 100% to both sides...but i can't not work cuz we wouldn't be able to handle it financially...so i'm sure this won't be the last time i'm criticized or feel bad about not giving my 100% to one side or the other.