Caleb is a hungry little guy...for the past few days he's been eating more frequently and now he's up to being able to eat 3 ounces at a time.

Something funny...I always knew I weighed only a little bit when I was born (4 lbs. 11 oz), but I guess I never really asked about how "tall" I was. I asked my mom today and she said 14 inches...holy moly...no wonder I'm a midget now! I never even heard of a 14 inch baby! What the heck!

I'm continuing with the pumping and feeding him breastmilk when I accumulate about 2-3 ounces...which is after about 3 pump sessions. My chichis are finally getting to the point where I can kind of feel when I'm "filling up." Small chichi, small tank I guess cuz "filled up" doesn't amount to much milk. Hehe. Oh well...any amount of milk I can give him is better than nothing...

I'm sure (I hope) a lot of women feel this way after bringing baby home, but I really am impressed with Dave and his ability to roll with whatever and do whatever needs to be done for Caleb. I know he's tired and that waking up throughout the night is difficult for him, but he does it without grumbling at all...and he's still very conscious of my needs and taking care of me too. I'm so lucky...

2 week check-up today...

Weight - 9 lbs 5 oz....above average
Height - 21 7/8 inches.....above average
Head - 14.5 inches...average

What's up with that???? Heehee...it was pretty funny when the doctor was showing us the chart....of course, he was obliged to say that he will definitely be a NHS member...

I showed the doctor the times I've been pumping and how little output there is and he seemed a little bit surprised but said that it's just how it is sometimes...he said his wife was like that and that whatever breast milk I can give him is good. He didn't judge or scold or anything, so I felt a LOT better.

Everyone who sees him remarks on how he looks a lot older than 2 weeks because of his size and his full head of hair. He's such a cutie...lying on his tummy he can fully push up his head for a second or two...so cool to see his growth and change!!!

Caleb is two weeks old today...seems like both the longest and the shortest two weeks of my life...

Caleb is going through a growth spurt...I think...a lot of books/sites say that it happens around 2-3 weeks...being the big boy that he is, guess it's happening on the earlier end of the spectrum. He's been eating like mad and sleeping the rest of the time...he'll get up every 2-2.5 hours to eat his 2 ounces, burp, then go back to sleep. The routine lasted all of yesterday, last night, and is continuing today. He certainly doesn't need a growth spurt...he's probably bigger than most 1-2 month olds, but oh well.

As for my nemesis, breastfeeding, well...last night again I started to feel all panicky and anxious about it. As I was pumping at 3:00 a.m. I realized that my milk supply seemed to be dwindling again...I wasn't pumping as much as I had the previous day. I shouldn't compare, I know, but you just can't help it as you sit there and watch the milk squirt (more like drip slowly) out. Dave's suggestion was that maybe I should have Caleb get on the chichi so that it stimulates more milk production. That set me off...the idea of getting him on again and going through the whole cycle of despair made me lose it. I laid off the pump for the next feeding and started up again this morning at 8:00 and 11:30. More milk seemed to come out today than last night, which is positive, but I just can't imagine how I'd ever have enough to satisfy Caleb's hunger needs. For every 2-3 feedings of formula he'll get one feeding of my milk. Luckily so far he isn't fussy about eating either of it...and it hasn't seemed to cause him any digestion problems. Even though I'm not feeding him from the chichi and just pumping, my nipples are itchy...I dunno why. They're still kind of dry/chapped for some reason and after I pump and put my bra back on it gets seriously itchy...the only thing I've read about that is a yeast infection so I guess I'll have to ask doctor about that...

We're going to the doctor tomorrow and that makes me nervous because I know he'll be disappointed that I'm not doing the "real" breastfeeding thing. I guess that's where some of my anxiety came from also...I keep hearing in my mind the questions/comments of, "Why wouldn't you do it if you know it's best for Caleb?" "Why did you give up so quickly?" "You never even gave it a good enough chance." "You're going to regret not breastfeeding him."

I question myself many times a day...am I really that much of a loser that I couldn't persevere for longer? Why don't I have more milk? My chichis never got huge, never felt that "engorged" feeling, never dripped uncontrollably. How come I can be so determined with some things, but it seems like I gave up on this so quickly? Am I just being selfish? Am I just being a big baby? Am I setting Caleb up for failure because of not breastfeeding him? Will every sickness he gets be attributed to my lack of breastfeeding? Will I feel guilty for the rest of my life? Am I going nutts? Am I suffering from depression? What is my problem???????

Anyways, that's today....

Here's the update on the breastfeeding situation...ooh, even the word "breastfeeding" makes me feel anxiety... Anyways, we're pumping and feeding him what we can. It still takes me about 3 pump sessions to get a good 2 ounces to feed him...needless to say, that means we are supplementing a lot with formula. It's encouraging to hear that any breast milk I can give him will be helpful and that there are a lot of people, myself, Leish, Chaylor, etc, who were fed formula and turned out to be healthy, wonderful people. Heehee. I'm also comforted to know that this whole breastfeeding chaos and frustration isn't something only I've gone through...I've heard from several people that they have had really hard situations too...that's comforting.

Today was a hungry, hungry day for Caleb. Luckily, with all of the power outage craziness of last night, Caleb wasn't affected at all. He slept soundly, got up to eat every two hours or so, and was all good. I was scared of putting him so far away in the bassinet in the complete darkness so I kept him on the bed with me last night...but though he sleeps soundly with me next to him, I could barely keep my eyes closed for more than a few minutes before I was opening up to check on him, make sure he was positioned correctly, etc. Every move he made, I was up. It wasn't a restful sleep at all.

As for Dave...he's been a wonderful dad...he gets up with me for every feeding, we still tag team on the diaper changes, he's better at burping Caleb than I am. He's been super supportive when I've been down about breastfeeding. I'm kind of scared of how it's going to be when he has to go back to school...I'm going to miss him a lot, that's for sure!!! One thing I've noticed is that as the days have gone by he gets less and less coherent during the nighttime wake ups...he would sleep through Caleb's cries unless they get violently loud, whereas I'm up with every whimper and move.

Caleb's umbilical stump fell off yesterday and his ding ding is pretty much healed. We gave him his first full bath today and he was a champ...didn't cry at all!!! He seemed to enjoy the warm water being poured over his huge body.

Another experience...he made us go through 3 diapers in one changing last night as the doodoo kept squirting out...it was kind of funny, but hopefully that doesn't happen too often.

Caleb is like me in that he inhales his food, gets very fussy when his food doesn't come immediately, and then gets gassy because he doesn't savor his meal. Besides that, though, he's mellow like his daddy...and loud like both of us when we're angry.

Today was a good day...

Ever since Caleb's birth I have been on an emotional roller coaster. It seems like one day I'll be happy, then the next day I'll be overwhelmed and want to burst into tears all day long. Seems like there's been more bursting into tears days than happy ones, but that could just be because today I don't feel so happy....btw, Merry Christmas.

The whole frustration/unhappiness centers around the one issue of breastfeeding. If there weren't so much pressure to breastfeed, if there wasn't such a stigma attached to formula feeding, maybe things would be different. I am, and always have been, a perfectionist, and I struggle with breastfeeding...not being able to do it well, not knowing how to fix it, not wanting to give up but feeling like a major failure. It doesn't seem to be getting any easier or better...and I know it's been less than 2 weeks and I can't give up yet, but the feeling of wanting to cry everytime I think about breastfeeding sucks.

On the one hand, I hear everyone and their mother talking about the benefits of breastfeeding, how much healthier it is, how there are so many things that come in breast milk that can't be found in formula, how babies are healthier throughout their lives when fed breast milk.

On the other hand, I just can't imagine how I can be the best mother when I'm sore, feel like I'm doing it all wrong, can't supply Caleb with enough milk to save my life, and just don't feel like "bonding" occurs when I'm breastfeeding since he's always asleep at the breast anyways.

I was never breastfed...I don't think there was such a big push for it back then as there is now. I hear of many women who had problems with breastfeeding but persevered through it and loved it afterwards. I also hear of lots of women who had problems with breastfeeding and didn't do it. There's just a lot of feeling of guilt/failure that are associated with "giving up".

It would be nice if I could pump my milk and feed it to Caleb and give him nutrition that way...but, just like when he eats from me, I don't produce enough when I pump. At most I can get a measly 1/2 an ounce total, often times I get a few little bits that don't amount to much at all. Caleb will eat from me for 20-30 minutes at a time and still need supplemental formula...he'll gobble down another ounce or even two after eating from me. Dave and I have been trying to get him to eat more often from me and wean him from the formula...today's been challenging because I'm sore again and there are little sores on my nipples that make feeding him extra painful. Plus it seems like this whole "latching on" business is getting worse, not better. A lactation specialist is coming to see us on Saturday and we have doctor on Monday...I will talk to both and see what is going to really work for us. I know their feelings will be to keep trying because breastfeeding is best...I'm just not sure how much longer I can keep my mental state stable before I get completely depressed and too frustrated.

Well, Caleb is up and I'm sure he wants to eat...here we go...

Caleb latched on yesterday...YAY!!!!! Thank GOD for answering our prayers! He ate from me throughout the day but it seems that for him, eating at the breast equals sleeping...he won't stay up throughout the feeding and eat continuously but will suck vigorously, stop, then start again. Dunno if this is normal or not. It wasn't sore throughout the day when he ate, though, so that was good. We also supplemented with 1 oz portions of formula throughout the day...

Last night we decided we would have him eat from me, then give him 2 oz of formula to supplement. During the middle feeding (2:30ish), he was so ravenous that he made my left nipple get a little blister on it again. The right side was better, but he was still doing more of the gnawing than the sucking that he does when he isn't so hungry. After he ate from me for about 15 minutes on each side, he then mauled his 2 oz bottle and was kind of fussy and then went to sleep around 4. At the next feeding (just now, 7:00), he was super hungry again and ate his 2 oz bottle in record time. Instead of feeding him from me, I pumped and only got about .5-.75 oz, which we fed him too.

We're going to call a lactation specialist today and Caleb's pediatrician to get some help with the whole breastfeeding thing. I REALLY don't want to put him on my left side and have him rip it to shreds again....it was too traumatic to see a piece of nipple hanging off and blood all inside his mouth...

I'm back...dunno how often I'll be able to get on, but here's what been going on.

Caleb Kushi Colmenares was born on December 14, 2008 after what I consider to be 11 hours of active labor (my water actually broke well before this but I didn't realize it so I'm counting the amount of time I actually felt some pain to when he popped out). From 2:30-7:30 I endured increasingly excrutiating contractions...coming about 2 minutes apart for a lot of it. Dave's hand was squeezed completely and I was brought to tears a few times. At around 7:30 the doctor asked me about getting an epidural but I said no. He then went on to tell me that I was looking at another 3 hours of labor since I was only dilated to 7 cm, plus another hour or 2 of pushing. All I needed to hear was " 3 more hours" and I was set to get the epidural...there was no way I could handle that pain for another 3 hours plus pushing. The anesthesiologist came in and it seemed like a miracle that he could time himself to give me the epidural during the short span between contractions. It seemed like almost instantly the medicine started to take effect and I was able to relax and let labor progress without being so tense. I actually think I took little baby naps during this time...and then it was time to start pushing. Right before pushing I started to feel pain in my back and the anesthesiogist came in and gave me a little more to tide me through the deliver. Thank GOD. I think my nurse's name was Kathy and she was really good abotu encouraging me and at the same time sternly telling me how to push and when to push. Pushing took some creativity...we started with the regular pushing first, then switched to Dave being in front of me and using a towel to do a sort of tug of war to increase the effectiveness of each push. After a while of that we went back to regular pushing but that wasn't as effective. Finally they let me grasp onto the side handles and after two hours, Caleb's huge head finally popped out, followed by his endless big body. He weighed in at 8 lbs 11 oz and was 21 inches in length. They did all the stuff with him on the side (yelling like a pro throughout!) and my doctor began to stitch me up...and stitch, and stitch. It took him forever to stitch me up and later I found it was because I had a 3rd degree tear (worst kine) after pushing Caleb out.

Anyways, needless to say I was sore as heck for the next couple days...not just down there, but also my entire back and shoulders from the tug of war and pushing. I also had two raging hemrhoids in my butt (I dunno how to spell that word) that caused me extra pain. On top of that, I still had the fast heartrate thing going on.

Today is Dec. 20 and I still have hemrhoid pain and a little bit of a pulling sensation in the stitches. The worst part, though, is the breastfeeding...or lack thereof. I'm not a pro at breastfeeding...in the hospital we had Caleb getting on in what we thought was a good position (even according to the lactation consultant), but he ended up tearing my nipples apart (literally...like a piece hanging off and fully bleeding after he sucked). We took a little break to let my nipples heal up and gave him bottles in between. We tried to get him back on for about ten minutes at a time with the bottle feeding too, but he started to have a hard time because my milk didn't come out as fast as he wanted...he's a hungry little sucker and doesn't take well to having to wait to eat (like ME!!!). So now we're trying to pump out milk but all I really have at this point is little bits of colostrum and I'm wondering if I screwed myself up royally and missed my milk coming in and now I just won't have any to give him. We've been mixing in the colostrum with his formula and have tried to get him on me again but he refuses...he screams bloody murder when I try to get him on again. It's brought me to tears several times and I feel like a failure, but I don't really know what else to do at this point. Doctor still wants me to try to get him on breastfeeding and I thought that once my milk came in I would go for it again, but now I'm wondering if I'll even have milk to give him. Everyone stresses breastfeeding as being the only way to go and the best for baby...and I know all this is true which just makes my failure feel even worse. I hear of all these women who have successfully breastfed and I just don't know what to do....feeding him formula only is going to make me feel really sucky...Dave tells me that it's okay and that we'll just keep trying with the pump for now, but I don't know if he truly understands how frustrating it is...especially when Caleb is wailing at my breast and refusing to get on.

Beyond all the confusion, though, it does feel wonderful to finally have Caleb here and to be able to hold him and bury my nose into his neck and smell his own special smell. It's cute to watch him do his cross-eyed little look as he purses his lips into a little "o". It's unbelievable to see how good Dave is...how helpful and accomodating and how he'll never grumble about doing everything he has to do. I'm worried about how we're going to make the switch to when he has to go back to work and won't be able to get up with me every few hours to feed and change Caleb. Having my mom here helps...Dave and I do most of the baby stuff, but my mom helps with the laundry, cooking, cleaning, and doing all the other stuff that we can't. When Dave had to go to work on Friday and I had to take Caleb to the doctor, it was so much nicer to have someone to go with me instead of having to do it alone.

This weekend we have people coming over since my dad is visiting...it's been my dad, brother and family, and sister and family, so that takes some energy but I know everyone just wants to be here to see Caleb. As long as they don't stay too late, I'm okay...I have a good grouchy face that lets people know when I'm ready to have my peace and quiet again! I'm not the best when it comes to lack of food or sleep...and being frustrated about other things makes it hard to put on a cheerful face sometimes.

Anyways, this is a novel but I needed to vent and collect my thoughts. I know that God hears my prayers and is answering them for me in ways that I may not see yet. I just have to remember that I have been blessed and that God is in control...He knows what I need and when so it's all good.

No Caleb overnight. We're going to a craft fair so that I can walk around some and see if we can get him to come this weekend. Man, I just want him here already!!!!!

NO BABY YET!! Went to the doctor this morning...I'm still at 3 cm dilated. He hopes it won't come to it, but we've scheduled an induction for Friday, Dec. 19. Dave's birthday!!!! I'm still praying Caleb will come today but it's 11:30 and no contractions. Dr. tried to stretch things out in there but so far, nothing. Oh well. Maybe I'll even have to go to school on Monday...maybe that will kick him into gear. I'm not a patient person so it's going to be hard waiting for him to come out. Last night I barely could get a full hour's sleep in before I was up and tossing and turning, wondering if I was feeling anything. I kept dreaming that I was going into labor. Not fun. Not comfortable. Yuck. I need a nap. Dave says I should NOT lie down because we want gravity to force him down so I dilate more...yea, whatever dude...you try not lie down when you're a 140 pound round thing. I told my mom that I'm going to be tired and grouchy today and she said that it's nothing new. Whatever. I'm going to be MORE tired and grouchy today.

We did go to Pearlridge yesterday after Dave was done with school and walked around quite a bit. I think the only thing I have to thank for that is a lot more of my Christmas shopping done and a sore back. Went to Toys R Us too and found some stuff. I think my list is almost pau, wrapping is done for everything that I've gotten so far. Yay.

Dang this weather is nutts. Gonna be our luck that it's going to be nutts like this and we have to head to the hospital!!!

Watched an episode of A Baby Story earlier today and my mom and I had to laugh cuz the baby was SO ugly. My mom said that's what Caleb's going to look like! I know babies sometimes come out with coneheads, but this baby's head was beyond CONED...it was crazy!!! And he had a full head of dark black hair, which for some reason always makes a baby look even more crazy. Infants are just not cute...I have to mentally prepare myself for that. I know when my nephews were born I was just not too interested in them for a while cuz they were just too fragile and not cute. I know every parent says that their kid is "precious" but I think Dave and I might look at each other and laugh cuz we are anticipating an ugly baby.

I still don't feel any pains...in fact, I'm thinking I feel less heaviness and discomfort today than I did in the past couple days. Dangit. My mom and I will go eat lunch at Pearlridge and walk around to get this sucker going. Now that I'm kind of set with my lesson plans I just want Caleb to come (tomorrow).

Last night for the first time I didn't get up and stay up...I got up for the usual pees, and there was one time I thought I might need to turn on the light and read, but I fell back asleep. Yay. Got up with Dave and I feel good so far.

I'm worrying about my kids a little bit...my poor sub has to keep my class of 34 in with him for lunch today...that SUCKS!!! Poor guy. What an ugly, ugly day, and this is when the kids get all nutts. I can just imagine how restless they are with no recess and no lunch. Yikes.

Anyways, we'll see what doctor says tomorrow. I really hope I'm dilated to like 4 and he tells me to just get ready for the contractions and then head to the hospital. I'm ready...as I'll ever be.

Yay! Made it through another day. I'm going to walk around choke tomorrow so that Caleb comes on Friday. Figure we'll either have a baby or I'll get some much needed exercise...either way, positive results. We changed our doctor's appointment so it's in the morning on Friday...I want to know where we're at...if I'm still stuck at 2-3 then maybe I'll go back to school on Monday. We'll see. I'm thinking that just cuz I took off, Caleb's going to stay inside...

I'm having major heartburn again. I thought that was supposed to go away as he drops down. Dangit, must mean he's still high up. It sucks. I'm so ready to be done with being fat and uncomfortable. I have cellulite everywhere and Dave and I can't even walk past each other in the shower without my belly rubbing against the wall, which is so gross to me. And I'm tired of sleeping on my side because my jaw is all sore again. Yea, complain complain complain. That's what this paragraph is all about.

On happier notes...I'm getting more excited to see what Caleb looks like...even though when I look at infants, they just aren't that cute! Heehee. I really wonder how big he is...is he going to be like me or like Dave? Will he be pale or dark? Will he have lots of hair or be bald?


btw - spaghetti sauce in crock pot tasted the same as spaghetti sauce on the stove and took way longer...no difference

What a wonderful day of staying home....I woke up with Dave so that I could make sure I didn't waste the day away...started off with doing my lesson plans, then created their Qtr. 2 Reflection, graded the last of the papers I had, inputted grades, and did their book sign out cards. Yay. Made dinner (spaghetti in the crock pot!). Did laundry and washed our sheets. Then I lounged around for a little bit and tried to take a nap (it wasn't very restful).

No new pains today...still getting those sharp pains in my leg sockets. Those are weird. Caleb's moving still, his bones are hitting my pelvic bones.

Mom helped me sterilize stuff, clean the bassinet, put stuff away, put the sheets back on the bed.

Called in a sub for Thursday and Friday...Dave got a sub for Friday. I have a feeling he's coming that day...we'll see!

I keep worrying that I won't know I'm in labor. My mom's story of nearly having my brother in the toilet and having him a mere 45 minutes after her water broke, with no signs prior to that, doesn't make me feel any better.

I'm taking the day off tomorrow. Today wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but I'm TIRED. Tonight at the ukulele concert I noticed a lot of Braxton-Hicks contractions...they aren't sore, but my stomach is getting hard as a rock with each one, and they aren't that irregular anymore. Then I had a weird feeling when I was standing up...like the socket of my leg was all out whack. That's been happening more often lately. And I feel like some kind of bony part is pushing on my pelvic bone on the right side. Sometimes when he's moving around a lot I feel pressure in my butt bone and lower back...I hope that doesn't mean I'll suffer with back labor. We'll see what all this adds up to...

Caleb is still moving around a lot so I don't know what that means. I read in the book that when he lodges himself down there I should feel less movement...I dunno.

Dave is installing our car seat right now. I'm so not into that kine stuff...I'll leave it all up to him to figure it out.

Kay, going to bocha and go sleep. I'm sure I'll be up at around 3 a.m. tossing and turning and then having to turn on the light and read in order to go back to sleep.

Caleb hasn't arrived yet!!! Yay!!! I keep wondering just how I'm going to know labor is starting...it's like constant pressure down there, lots of tightening of my uterus, choke discharge, but nothing else. Caleb still moves a lot and hiccups all the time. I don't think he's settled down there yet...I don't any more of an intense urge to pee than I did before and my stomach still looks like it's pretty far up. I'm debating taking Monday off just to cruise...I've been sneezing and having runny nose and I don't want to be sick when he arrives. We'll see. I already set up my lesson plan for Monday just in case he made his debut this weekend so it's not like I have to scramble for that. I just don't want the kids to get all nutts cuz they think I gave birth when I don't show up. We'll see...

My body has been training to wake up throughout the night...the other night it was 3, then 2:30, then last night I got up at 4. Basically I try to just read and then I'm able to fall asleep again for a few hours.

JJ is staying over with us tonight. He should sleep pretty much the whole night...hope so, anyways. It would be pretty funny if we gotta go hospital tonight. Nah, I doubt it.

Doctor today...

Weight = 141

Dilated = 2-3 centimeters

Doctor thinks Caleb will come before our next appt on our due date (the 12th). We're praying Caleb stays put at least until the 12th but who knows.

Saw Lanj's twins today...Alia Joyce and Bree Jenna. Alia was 5 lbs 9 oz and 18 inches long. Bree was 5 lbs 2 oz and 16.5 inches long. So cute!!!!!

Week 39

All I can say is HOLY MOLY.

The bottom pic is blurry and the color is off, but it's actually my first pregnancy stretch marks on my butt cheek. I would have put the other pic, but the way Dave took it you can see crack and I thought that would be too gross. We only noticed this stretch mark patch tonight...Dave has been putting lotion on my belly every night after showering but we haven't put it on my butt...I figured I already have stretch marks there, so whatever. However, when Dave asked what those "scratches" are on my butt and I turned around to look at it, I was pretty damn disgusted. Gross. Oh well, two more weeks. Let's hope they don't appear anywhere else.

Updates....

Nov 21 doctor appt - weight = 138.5 (no change, yay!), dilated 1 cm

Nov 26 doctor appt - weight = 139, dilated 1 cm, Caleb's still high up...probs no baby being born in the next week

Life has been sucking it up lately in terms of comfort and energy. My heart is still doing that pounding/palpitating/racing business...more often now...just feel like passing out. Seriously, reaching up to write on my white board sometimes makes me woozy and I gotta stop and breathe before I can continue again.

Ate dinner way too fast last night, had major heartburn and just felt crappy all the way around. Was in bed at 630, passed out by 800, actually slept for most of the night with only 3 visits to the bathroom. Needed it badly...but by recess time today I still felt exhausted. I'm going to try my best to work right until the end but it's getting difficult...

It's 8:00 now...I'm about to brush my teeth and start to sleep...Dave's watching Rambo and I'm supposed to be watching it too so I guess I'll fall asleep on the couch.

Today I snapped at my last class cuz I couldn't take the drumming on the desks little chattering crap going on during the beginning of class. I knew it was the last period of the day and it's nearly the end of the week and what do I expect, but I just had to tell them to "shut up already with the tapping and the talking and everything." I didn't make it better, though, I made it worse. One boy pipes up, "Wow Miss, I can really tell you're pregnant now!!! You're like all frustrated and everything!" I respond, "Duh. I'm glad you know I'm pregnant now." Which starts off a barrage of the kids snapping at him, saying, "Stupid. Of course she's pregnant, she's been pregnant this whole time, watch she going slap your head now you idiot." So on and so on and around it goes and I just have to laugh to myself at my mento irritability and my kids more mento responses.

Really, though, I am getting to be the biggest grouch ever. I already was grouchy but now it's insane. And like I was telling Leish, I can see myself having the stupidest most out of control reactions that don't even fit the extent of the situation, but I just can't seem to help it. I can't stand my kids chattering unnecessarily, can't stand a certain kid's incessant questioning (bless his heart he responds so well to my lack of patience by telling me "thank you, Miss" when I sassily answer his question or tell him to just wait), can't stand the heat, can't stand questions, can't stand talk just for talk's sake (team meetings are killer), can't stand Dave's driving (kay, that was always, it's worse now), can't stand that the kids can't put books back in the library the right way even with alphabet markers, can't stand kids who can't understand why their grade is low when they don't do their revisions or work...basically, I can't stand crap.

Tomorrow we have three weeks left. Nutts. Doctor tomorrow, update that later on. Hopefully my cervix is still tightly closed.

Emotional and grouchy...that's what I am these days. If Dave thought I was bipolar before, he definitely is seeing it in full effect now. Grrrr.

Week 37 has begun. 4 to go until due date.

Went to the doctor today...the first of our once a week-ers until we give birth. I wasn't looking forward to this one because this was the first time he was going to do the full on "check." He also had to do the strep B test, which is a swab in both pukas. It wasn't lovely, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

Weight today: 138.5

I asked him about the racing heart rate and he said that it's most likely due to the changing levels of fluid or something like that. He said that if it continues happening, especially when working, then I might want to ease off of work. He said definitely just take it easy if it happens...that's kind of hard when I have a class I gotta run, but I guess I'll have to just listen to my body.

Caleb is in the right position right now. His head is down there and it's his freakin' feet that are kicking the crap out of me. Doctor said that his size would only be a guess right now...a guess that he didn't give us so I still have no idea how big this baby is. No dilating at this point, which is good.

30 days until our due date. How nutts is that?

Today during recess and period 3 I thought I was going to pass out. Checked my heart...it was racing. This has happened before, but not like this at school so it was kind of freaky. I told the doctor already and he didn't seem like it was anything to be worried about. This is the second time it happened...first time we were on Maui and I was just lying down on the couch. Didn't do anything strenuous today and it just started going nutts. Weird. I'll mention it to the doctor on Friday.

Thank GOD for these weeks with little breaks in between. Dunno how I'm going to handle going through a whole week again. I'm TIRED. Thought I'd stay up to watch Jon and Kate but I doubt it...I'm about to head to bed already! Doesn't help that I get up at least 3-5 times to pee every night. Nutts.

Halloween

Here's me as Betty Rubble (Flinstones) for Halloween. Leish's mom made our costumes (she was Wilma, of course!).

Week 36...WOW

I was looking at the last pic I put up, Week 29, and at that time I said I couldn't believe I still had 11 weeks and it was going to get even bigger...look at it now!!!! Dang. That's a HUGE belly!!!

Current observations...FIVE more weeks until our due date!!!!

• My belly is HUGE.
• I get breathless just wiping down my body after showering.
• Sleeping (or lack of sleeping) sucks.
• My legs and feet are perma-swollen.
• It's hard to wipe after shi-shi-ing because my belly is in the way and my arms are short.
• Squatting down today to put paper in the copy machine made me have shooting uncomfortable-ness upon standing and for a while after. Weird feeling.
  
• Either my kids are getting more irritating, or my patience level has decreased.
  
• Caleb hiccups a lot.
• He also moves around a lot. He might be a swimmer.
  

Dang, my feet and legs are swollen. I never had skinny legs to begin with, but now I'm seriously having cankle issues. Lovely. And midget feet swollen isn't too pretty either. Oh well. At least my toenails look nice.

Doctor today. Weighed in at 135. What the heck. If I started at 105, which is what I'm using cuz I don't really know what I started at, that means 30 pounds!!! 4 pounds since last weigh in. Dr. said it's not bad and that I'm probably retaining more water, hence the swollen legs and feet. Great. I just hope to keep it below a total weight gain of 40 pounds at this point. That's my goal.

Next doctor in two weeks...he warned me that gone would be the "just listen to the heart" check ups and he's actually going to have to do some probing at that time. Wonderful. Yuck. I guess I shouldn't be scared of his probing cuz that's going to be nothing compared to Caleb coming out of there. I still can't imagine what giving birth will be like and I'm super curious to see what kind of birthing woman I'll be and what kind of birthing coach man Dave will be. After this next doctor visit the countdown will really be on cuz that'll mean once a week visits from then on out. It's a trip to think we have only about 6 weeks left until the due date. Dang.

I didn't get a good night's rest last night...went to bed early, then when Dave came in I got up and couldn't go to sleep til probs after 12. Great. That means tomorrow is going to be a hellacious day. Read half of a novel I started yesterday...thank goodness I had something good to read cuz otherwise I would have been even more irraz. I actually even got out of bed, made myself some chicken broth, and ate a little bit with rice cuz I started getting hungry after being up. I guess things like that don't help toward the whole weight gaining thing.

Anyways, I'm about to get in bed soon. Dave better not wake me up tonight.

Yesterday was another painful Monday. My back is getting ridiculous. Never help that I did a heck of a lot of walking around. Oh well. Today is better.

People keep asking me if I'm ready, if I have everything I need...I seriously don't know the answer to those questions. I've never had a baby before so I have no idea what "ready" is. I know I don't have everything I need...I just don't really know what else I need. I was looking at coupons I clipped...I gotta start looking for sales of shampoo, soap, desitin, and lansinoh. And pantiliners. Bought a double pack of overnight pads from Costco...I dread that I'll have to go back to having a period...it's so nice not to have a period every month. I just hope it goes back to being as regular as it was before I got pregnant.

I saw a college friend who said she just gave birth six weeks ago. She looked pretty normal sized. I'm hopeful that I'll be normal sized after six weeks. She said she gained 28 pounds total. I've gained about 28 pounds already. 45 more days to go.

I'm hoping the doctor will be able to give us a better idea of when baby is going to come and how big he'll be. So far he's been very vague...just that I'm not too big, baby is growing well/normally...dunno what that means.

Talked to Blake today...Allison is such a calm, good baby. I told Dave that we better be prepared for a fussy, hellacious baby. He was a fussy baby and his mom has always told him that she hopes he has a child just like him so he will know what they went through with him. Sheez, looking at the way Dave is, I do hope we have a child like him more than a child like me. It'll save us a lot of headaches. Nah, actually, I want a child with a lot of spirit...and if Caleb's moving around is any indication of his temperment and activity level, he's going to be a handful.

Today Caleb has been moving around choke and I think I've been having a lot of practice contractions. I dunno what the deal is. It's been an uncomfortable day. Add to that the fact that I ate non-stop from the time I got up until now (breakfast croissant, popcorn and arare, choc chip muffin, hot chocolate, saimin)...so now I'm paying for it with some major heartburn. Caleb has been hurting my left rib for the past hour or so...he keeps running his foot or something on it. He must be getting big and running out of room. According to the book he's anywhere from 3-4 pounds now and 17-19 inches (probs shorter than that). Nutts.

We have 7 weeks left...47 more days until our due date. That's crazy. Luckily my mom was here this past week so she washed all of Caleb's clothes and organized them. Hehe. I still gotta do the sheets and blankets but that can wait for a little while. We have another doctor's appointment on Wednesday...we'll see how much weight I gain by then and whether we have to start our once a week appointments from here on out. That's going to suck to have to drive to town every week but at least gas is getting cheaper.

Caleb has mastered the art of running his arm or leg across the width of my belly, sometimes attacking me so hard that it makes me yelp out loud. It's not sore-sore, just uncomfortable and surprising. I've noticed a perpetual side pain in my right side at this one certain place(ribs and back). Nothing, not moving, not stretching, seems to alleviate it. Oh well.

My line has migrated above my belly button and halfway up to my boobs. Here's what my tummy looks like right now from a front view. The ugly thing above my protruding belly button is my scar from my belly ring.

My back is so freakin sore. My side is so freakin uncomfortable. My belly is so stretched. If I stand, I'm sore after a while. If I sit, I'm sore after a while. I'm just sore. Lying in bed is sore. Lying on the couch is sore. Lying on the floor is sore. Frick.

I weighed in at 131 today. I'm sure that doesn't help. If I started at around 105 (that's a guess), I've gained 26 pounds in 32 1/2 weeks. Grrrreat.

One of my kids brought me a big diaper bag of gifts...his mom told me that the boy told her they need to give me a gift already because he doesn't think I'm going to last till I'm due because I look so big already. Wonderful. Hehe. It's funny, cuz I don't particularly think that this boy really pays attention to me, but his mom said that he was really stoked when he first found out his teacher was pregnant. Funny.

I really thought I'd be one of those women who love pregnancy...but I'm not. Not at this point anyways. I just feel yucks and uncomfortable and it takes away from the feeling of being excited that baby is almost here.

Wow...I've actually started to feel those Braxton Hicks contractions. It's weird. My stomach just gets rock solid and super tight. I haven't been keeping track of how often or when it happens...I figure as long as it's not sore and not happening at regular intervals then I'm all good. So far it's just every once in a while and it's uncomfortable but not painful.

We're in our 32nd week now...that's nutts. Quarter One flew by, and to think that by the end of this second quarter I'll be a mommy is pretty amazing. My linea nigra is halfway up to my boobs now, so I figure when it gets all the way to the top it'll be time to pop. I'm so thankful that so far no stretch marks...but you know, since I just wrote that, guaranz some going pop up this week.

The other night I had swollen legs and feet for the first time. My feet have been swollen before, but not my legs. Both were grossly swollen. I think it was due to eating a lot of salty foods the previous night. Another thing I noticed one day was that just lying around, my pulse started racing. I counted and it was at like 100 something. I had to have Dave check for me too cuz I thought I was trippin but it really was that high. So far my blood pressure and heart rate when I've gone to the doctor have been all good...gotta remember to tell him about that at our next doctor appointment.

We're now on the every two weeks doctor appt schedule so we go again on Wednesday. I'm just glad Dave goes with me to every one. I would hate having to drive and go all by myself.

That's it for now. Break is over and it's back to the real world...which actually might be good cuz I won't even have time to stress about baby cuz school will take up most of my energy.

Okay, I know that I shouldn't use pregnancy as an excuse, but seriously, I've been hella grouchy for the past couple days. Like snappy as heck...Dave doesn't hear my question/comment the first time, I'm barking. His cereal sits in his bowl a little too long for my taste, my panties are all in a bunch. Stupid teachers can't read their damn lotus notes and realize for the five hundredth time, yes, there IS period 6 on Friday, all classes on Friday means that we have all the classes that were scheduled for a regular Friday, not ALL freakin' classes...and I'm ready to climb over the seven tables that separate me and them and freakin' slap the crap out of their heads. I actually said "shut the hell up" so loudly that Kathy looked at me in a funny way across the table which clued me in that I had pulled a Zoller and did not use my volume control. I don't even want to be this grouchy...and I do feel bad for what Dave has to put up with, but seriously, it's more uncontrollable than it's ever been before. I know I'm bad, but I've been trying to be better, but yesterday and today it was ridiculous. Let's hope this break calms me down cuz I feel myself even getting more snappy in class...and I really don't want to take my hormones out on my wonderfully good kids. Breathe, count to ten, breathe again. Grrrr.

My back is freakin killing me today. I dunno what the deal is, but it's sore as heck. I foresee Dave helping me to the bathroom tonight.

We found a pediatrician...Dr. Sumida. He's super cool...very local, laid back, honest. Told me I'm huge and looks like baby is going to weigh 7 pounds or so. Asked if my doctor scolded me for gaining so much weight. Very funny, though, not offensive. I like that their office has 5 doctors who will cover for each other and take other doctor's patients in case of emergency. And they have Sunday hours just in case.

Caleb seems to be moving like crazy...it's sore. He takes his elbow and jams it into my stomach. I tell Dave to put his hand on my stomach and tell him to calm down. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

I gotta pee more than ever. It doesn't help that I drink so much liquids, but I gotta or else I get thirsty. Today I was majorly ono for a soda, walked all the way to the back office to go in so I didn't have to face the happiest woman on earth in the front office, only to find the soda machine was broken. Then I dragged my butt up to A Building to grab a soda. It was delicious. I'm sure someone will tell me that soda is the reason Caleb moves like a maniac. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't.

I heard intense heartburn means that baby will come out hairy. Hopefully that hair is on his head cuz I was a bald baby.

Week 29

Here's the belly in week 29. I can't imagine that I have to go 11 more weeks and get even BIGGER. Caleb moves around like a crazy boy...I swear he's tumbling around for most of the day. Heartburn sucks big time, but at least in a way it curbs my overeating, which might help me not gain excessively.

We had doctor on Friday...weighed in at 128 1/2, which means I gained 3 pounds in 3 weeks. Though that's the right weight gain, it still sucks.

Yesterday we bought me one of those maternity belt things to help hold up my belly so that my back doesn't get sore. Had the same back pains last night (not as bad as before) but when I got up to go shishi in the night I had to wake Dave up to help me walk to the bathroom cuz teh left side was so sore. Sucks.

Got some ever huger panties. Dang, can't imagine how big my butt must be getting to fit into these panties cuz they look HUGE when I hold them up, but they are oh so comfortable when I put them on.

Tired...been trying to go to sleep earlier and earlier. Just don't have energy.

Soy milk sucks. I don't know what my dad is tasting, cuz he said it's so ono, but it SUCKS to me. Putting in Nesquick helps if I gulp it down. Dave said it's not a choice, I have to drink it so baby grows strong bones. I hate milk. Yuck.

I have got to stop drinking soda. It makes me feel gross. But it's so ono. I'm not big on willpower when it comes to food so we'll see.

Chocolate chip cookies have been ono to me but we bought the wrong kind. I wanted those chewy toll house ones in the red bag but I got distracted and bought the chewy chips ahoy in the red bag and it's just not the same.

We have doctor today...we'll see how much weight I've gained now. The results for my gestational diabetes came in and it's all good, so that's a relief. Lately I've been having this side pain like feeling in my right side. I dunno what it is, but it sure as heck is uncomfortable. I'm sure it's all that stretching that my body has to do to accommodate the large-ness.

I saw my cousin last night, who is also due in December but pregnant with twins...and my stomach is almost as big as hers. What the heck? I only have one baby, she has two, but my stomach is huge. And when people are asking me about how much weight I've gained so far, I realize it's about 20 pounds...and that I have 3 more months to go, which means I'll surpass the 30 pound weight gain mark easily. Oh well. I had set the scale at home with a tab thingy which was at 125 when my pregnancy started...my goal was that I would not pass that weight in my pregnancy. Yea right...I'm there now. Frick. Oh well.

I wore shorts to school two days this week and it was wonderful. I'm thinking of investing in more shorts because even capris are too HOT. I figure, as long as it's long shorts and my top is pretty, it's all good. Sheez, Dave wears shorts every day to school, so if he can, I can too. And my legs are prettier than his. Heehee.

Someday I will put another picture up...sorry, been slacking. Waking up in the morning is hard enough...to remember to take a picture is impossible.

I'm getting the feeling that I'm moving into HUGE territory. Comments recently have centered around how surprised people are at how big I've gotten all of a sudden. Last night my nephew's girlfriend told me she has a friend that's due the same time as me "but is super skinny." What the heck? I still have THREE months to go and it seems like this explosion is not going to end.

Anyways, along with the exploded belly comes the ever present need to shishi. I got up a total of FIVE times last night to go to the bathroom. I have to go in the morning before class starts, at recess, at lunch, and then right after school. If I'm lucky enough to have a prep somewhere in there, I go then too. It's the weirdest feeling to actually have something feeling like it's sticking into your bladder. I try to hold my belly up so that it's not pushing down on my bladder but that only helps temporarily. I'm scared I'm going to pee my pants in school one day.

We've accumulated more clothes for Caleb and have them hanging inside the crib. Looking at that stuff makes me trip. I can't believe we'll have a baby to put inside those clothes in a little bit!!!

A pregnant basketball player and a pregnant hip-hopper just aren't that cute. Tomorrow I will be a pregnant rock star...probably not that cute either.

It has been way TOO HOT lately. Thigh sweat is gross. Back of the knee sweat is gross.

My underarms are black. I don't know why. I noticed it a few days ago and last night when we were showering Dave pointed it out. WTF? I scrub it hard, it's not like I'm not clean. All I can think about is my mom scolding me for having black underarms cuz she's going to tell me I'm not washing good. I AM! It must have something to do with pregnancy. I'm going to look it up in my book. Gross.

I'm TIRED. I dunno if it's just that it's a long week (well, a full week, which I haven't had in a while) or if it's that the second trimester is almost over so tiredness is setting in again, but I'm just super freakin' tired.

Today I had acid reflux burps that went up to my nose and stung. Like the kine where the acid seems to be burning your nasal passages. It actually brought tears to my eyes. I gotta remember to take my bottle of Rolaids to school.

Cramping sucks. Last night I woke up with a major cramp in my left leg. It freakin' hurts more than I imagined it would. I don't think I've ever had a cramp like that before. I think it has to do with the fact that we did a LOT of walking and standing yesterday...when we were at the Roosevelt game and I looked at my feet, I noticed that my once cute little feet had swelled into the typical, rubber slipper wearing, puffy, veiny, ugly feet. Even Dave couldn't fake it and tell me it looked normal.

I had a conniption last night while I was trying to find clothes to wear to the game too...we were originally going to go to the UH game and it was ridiculous trying to find a normal looking, black or UH shirt that actually fit well. Plus too I'm thinking I don't want to wear long pants cuz I gotta hike my butt up to the yellow, but then my shorts were dirty so I didn't have that to wear, and my capris just weren't looking the way I wanted them to. Dave thinks it's ridiculous for me to get so grouchy over clothes...he just doesn't understand how hard it is. I know I shouldn't take it out on him, but in the heat of the moment, I just can't help it. Grrr.

Went to watch a movie tonight and for the life of me, I couldn't find a comfortable sitting position. Guess I'm at that point in the pregnancy now, where the belly is restricting my comfort. Even sleeping at night...I swear it's hard to find a comfortable position to sleep, then when I do I have to move around because whichever part of my body is touching the bed gets super hot. My body pillow, which was a savior in the past, has now had to move toward the bottom of the bed so it just rests between my legs because it was in the way of my belly when I lay on my side.

I got comments today about constantly rubbing my belly. I know I do it a lot, but what else am I supposed to do? It's there, right in front of me, and it just feels cool. And when Caleb's moving around a lot, it's only natural to put my hand there.

Okay, gotta go nene...hope tomorrow is a wonderful day, even if I gotta be in committee meeting for a majority of it and there are some conversation dominators who should just shut up once in a while. Oh well. At least I'm not the chairperson...I'll just take notes and it's all good.

Week 26

Here's the belly. My piko gets sore in the afternoon cuz it's sticking out a lot. If you notice, the panty changed from cute bikinis to gramma style coverage...so comfortable!!!!

So I emailed Sue Bitler from HSTA to ask her what, contractually, we are allowed in terms of maternity leave...and here's what she said...

• We are allowed FOUR weeks of maternity leave which comes out of our accumulated sick leave days.
• Holidays, intersessions, and breaks do NOT count toward this four week period...sick leave days are only deducted for WORK days.
  
• We are entitled to 20 days of Family Leave which will be deducted out of accumulated sick leave days.
  
• You are also entitled to your five Personal Leave days (if you have not used them for the year).
  
• Maternity and Family Leave are not contract leaves...they are state leaves available to all state employees. Personal Leave is a contract leave.
  

Goodness gracious, thank GOD for knowledgeable people who are willing to help me out!!!!

So I still gotta go look at my calendar and figure it all out, but that makes me feel a LOT better knowing that the break isn't being wasted time for me.

I love three day weekends!! I think every weekend should be a three day weekend! I think Dave and I actually get along better on three day weekends than normal ones!

Today we woke up at 8:00, made croissanwiches (yum!), then I actually started to get work done at around 8:30, which was amazing. Worked until about 11:00, then we headed out to Waipahu to pick up my team's tshirts. We cruised around USA Baby for a while, where we picked up some items and carried them around the store with us, but thought the better of it and put them down in the end. We were unhappy to see that the crib we bought was now on sale for even less than the sale price we bought it for (oh well), and marveled at how EXPENSIVE some of these purely decorative items are. Then we had lunch with Leish and Mark...ramen and curry, which definitely wasn't GOMAICHI, but was okay....the company was excellent, as was listening to Dave's political views, which interestingly enough include more Star Wars than you could possibly imagine (ask him for his creative ideas). We then headed to rent Pearl Harbor which for some reason we had talked about earlier and disagreed as to who died and how, so we had to prove each other wrong. Enjoyed that while doing work...what a highly productive day!!

Other thoughts...

I can't imagine what it's going to be like to get bigger than this...the skin at my sides often feels as though it's about to burst...it actually hurts. I wonder how Blake and Stacie are doing now that they're at home. I wonder how the cloth diapers are going...we're going to have to have them let us practice on Allison so we know what we're doing before Caleb is born. I gotta buy some new bras, but I'm scared because I know I'm going to buy new ones, then need other new ones as I get even bigger. It's not the cup that doesn't fit, but the stretching around my body. I have those ugly red lines after removing them cuz they're squeezing the crap out of me.

Dave just finished his World Series Championship Game...and won. Yay, life can go on now.

I had to share this picture...first because it's pretty, second because my uploading the photo and typing this blog takes me away from the task I'm really supposed to be doing, which is correcting work. I finished one assignment so I figured that gave me a reason to stop correcting for a little bit and do something off task. Washing, bagging, and then cutting up these strawberries kept me off task for quite some time too. Funny how I can be motivated to do things that I would otherwise avoid when the alternative is reading the kids' work.

I think Caleb is having hiccups right now. I read about feeling hiccups, but I'm not really sure how to differentiate between hiccups and regular moving around and kicking. In fact, I can't really differentiate any of his movements. For the most part, I think the hardest ones are kicks, but who knows, it may be headbutts or his fists. All I know is that he's super active...at night, but also throughout the day. I can readily see him moving around even when I'm sitting upright now.

Today at the doctor's, which took all of 10 minutes, I weighed in at freakin' 125 1/2. In fact, it was probably closer to 126, but the nurse heard my cry of protest and stopped it there. I told the doctor that I think it was because I was wearing jeans so it made me heavier. Dangit. He just said that I gotta remember I'll have to lose it later on. My last check up, a month ago, I was 117. Frick. I have to chill out on the over eating or something. Some exercise would probably help too. Yea, I'll say this for a day, then I'll go back to my regular habits.

Next doctor we'll do the blood test for glucose. Well, actually, I gotta do the drink the glucola or whatever it's called and do my blood test at the lab, then we'll get the results at the next doctor's appointment in three weeks. Hope that one is good cuz otherwise I'm going to have to have some major willpower (which I lack, when it comes to food and satisfying myself) to watch what I eat cuz there's no way I'm sticking a fat needle in my body.

piko

Today I got two comments about looking pregnant...not offensive comments, just comments. And it's true...I look at myself in the mirror and am amazed at my pregnant belly!

Dave and I noticed the other night as we were watching Caleb move around that when I laugh my piko pokes out. It's so weird. And my linea negra (or however you spell it...that dark ugly trail to happiness pregnant women get) has expanded from the bottom half and is moving up toward the top half now too.

After being so happy that pregnancy has finally made me actually doodoo more, not less, I got a bit stopped up and hard doodoos made me get hemorrhoids...gross. And painful. Oh well. I don't think that's just a pregnancy thing, though, since it's been happening for a long time.

I know I'll probably think differently of this after actually going through labor, but I was thinking of how Blake and Stacie had their c-section today, and how since it was planned, she didn't really go through the different stages of labor. I actually kind of look forward to what will happen...how Dave and I will handle it...how much pain tolerance I actually have. Yes, I'll kick myself in the rear for saying this later on, but that's what I think as of right now.

Someone put a From Labor To Conception magazine in my box, and the pictures of each month's development are awesome. I sit and look at the magazine and am in awe that Caleb looks like a full on human being now. Thanks to whoever gave it to me.

I ate Korean food tonight and when I asked the lady if the miso soup was spicy she told me, "Yes, no good for the baby." So I told her that I love spicy and she said, "Okay, medium spicy only then." And when I chose seaweed as one of my choices, she nodded and said, "That one's good." Pretty funny. Then I proceeded to fill my cup with Coke and feel paranoid that people are looking at a pregnant lady drinking Coke. Too bad. She also guessed that I was having a boy and said it's because my stomach is all in the front. She said she had two girls and her stomach big all around. Such interesting tidbits.

HOT and DREAM-Y

I need a new, bigger fan in my classroom. I can't stand this heat. It's like it's radiating out of my body. And I'm wearing half-shoes today, with socks, so I'm sure that doesn't help the situation but it is definitely more comfortable, and after feeling the sciatica pains again last night, I want to do anything I can to ease my back pain.

I've been having the most vivid, weird dreams lately. I think these dreams are making me not have that good of a sleep cuz I swear it's like I'm up most of the night with my brain going so much. The other night my dream was part Twilight/part I Am Legend/part Harry Potter. I got up all scared, then went back to sleep and proceeded to have a Boyz in the Hood dream with people from my past and random black characters. Last night my dream was that it was 4th of July (watched the Jon and Kate 4th of July episode earlier that night), Dave and I were picking up tons of meat from this place, my stepmom made this big cookout, and then Tash, Dave, and I were staying at this hotel and going to watch a Jody Watley concert (that part was due to J's comment about Jody Watley earrings or something like that on a previous blog). And in one part of the dream there were all these blue folders balancing on the staircase railings and Tash and I dropped them all. It's so weird.

grouchy

Here's some things I'm grouchy about...

• ten seconds of music, followed by thirty seconds of blahblahblah announcements whose message could have been delivered in five seconds
• being asked stupid questions by stupid people who could easily figure the answer out by themselves if they actually was doing their job
• that kids don't even know basic parts of speech, like nouns, verbs, adjectives, and adverbs so that what is supposed to take just a little review time takes the entire freakin' class period...wasted
• that it's so freakin' hot
  

Wow, that's all I can think of right now. I thought I was grouchy about more. I better go sleep now so I can keep my list short!

Week 25

Caleb's over a pound and about 9 inches long now. We go to the doctor again on Friday. He's an active little boy, moving around at all times...especially at night when I'm lying down. He kicks/hits hard, and I know that he's far from his full size, but I can't imagine what he's going to do to my stomach and bladder as he gets bigger...they already feel like they're squished beyond belief by my big uterus.

sports

I am not a sports-hater, but the degree to which I love sports and the degree to which Dave LOVES sports differs...wonder if it will be something that we disagree on with our kids...

I know Dave wants our kids to play sports because of what it taught him in life...and I respect that, and want our kids to play sports too...I envision them being soccer players and runners, like their dad, since I have no athletic abilities at all. Maybe if we have a daughter and I pass on my short gene to her, she can do gymnastics like I once aspired to do.

However, I do wonder what will happen when/if it comes down to which is more important...like with this Little League Baseball thing...I dunno why, but it just irked the crap out of me to find out that one of my students wouldn't be in school until the latter part of August (this coming week) because he was in the mainland for BASEBALL. Now, granted, they're doing wonderful, it's a once-in-a-lifetime experience, yadayadayada...but then I start to think...if I were the parents of these kids, what would I do? Would I take off from work, take the entire family up there, and spend weeks in the mainland for my kid's dream? Would dad just go? Would I be at the school getting work for the kid, making him make sure he gets it done before he comes back to school, and then making sure he does everything possible to make it up when he gets back? Or would I let him revel in this dream come true and figure that the life lessons he's learning are bigger than the school work he's missing? I dunno...but the idea of these kids missing the first month of school just somehow doesn't sit well with me. I know most people would disagree and that these kids will now ride the celebrity wave here in Hawaii...I dunno why it makes me so uneasy.

Anyways, the commercial just said, "Football is here." Grrrreat. Our tv has been set to Olympics for the past three weeks, now it'll be set to every freakin' football game imaginable, with the five million time replays on ESPN. Love it.

Heehee. Chrystal (man, I'm sorry if I misspelled the name!) told me today, "Man, Amy, you're so small." The little oompa-loompa in me didn't know what to say or how to respond...because I was thinking she was talking about my height. Nobody really ever tells me I'm so small...I figure it's just a given. But of course, she was talking about my belly. I had to laugh as we walked away...I felt like the biggest dummy ever.

Bryan Clay...

This is Dave. Just saw Bryan Clay on TV. That guy is seriously living my dream. I'm glad that he won, but dang..I can't believe that I just used to run with this guy during summer track and here he is, "the greatest athlete in the world." He was just this kid that really wanted to run and learn as much as he could about track. I still remember him asking me how to set his mark for a relay we were about to do. He used to tell me (when he was a freshman) that he couldn't play football because his mom was scared that he would get injured (just like my mom). My friends and I used to think that his dreams of becoming a world-class athlete were admirable (those were our dreams too) but just unattainable. Next thing I know, I find out from his coach that he's doing pole vaults, discus, and all that because now he wants to be a decathlete. I was like, "What?...Dang." I saw him win race after race while I was an assistant coach for McKinley, and just thought, "Wow..that guy learned a whole lot." It's been just 10 years since I last saw him run and since he graduated from high school and here he is...an Olympic gold medalist. Talk about determination and drive. I know there are a lot of athletes that have a fast track in becoming the best, but never thought of actually "seeing" it unfold. I know I wasn't there to see all his races and his practices, but to see where he was before and to see where he is now is amazing. I know it sounds like I'm pumping him up, but that guy truly deserves it. I guess dreams ARE that powerful. Caleb's gonna have to beat Jacob Clay one day...or at least meet him so I can tell his dad, "Thanks for being an inspiration."

Isn't this the gayest post ever??..lol

HOT!!

I'm sure it's been hot for everyone, especially today, but for me it has been excrutiatingly HOT. My classroom is like an oven, ten degrees hotter than outside in the walkway. Even with 2 wall fans and 3 stand fans, plus my little personal fan blowing at me at all times, I still sweat like a pig. I swear, I'm going to get sweat marks by my butt and thighs with how hot I've been. Today, during the period after lunch, which is always the worst, I probably made a little pool of sweat on my seat...and though I can aim the fan strategically, I can't exactly have it pointing right THERE without the kids noticing something funny. I think it's time for me to upgrade from that mini fan I have to a bigger one cuz it's just not cutting it. At night I have to use my little Vornado faced at my unclothed body, and now that Dave is sick I can't turn on the ceiling fan so that sucks big time. I just want the weather to cool down already, but I know that's not going to happen for a few months...if ever.

hard at work...

I just wanted you guys to get a glimpse of Dave, hard at work, winning his baseball season.

Week 24

Sorry for the delay....look at the size of my tummy now! It's amazing how it POPS all of a sudden. Weird. But according to the books, Caleb is over a pound now, his features are pretty much developed, and he can hear, see (lights), and feel stuff more. He's covered with this waxy thing so he doesn't look like a raisin when he comes out and he has hair, but the color is not defined yet.

no pic today...we forgot to take one this morning so we'll try to remember tomorrow.

Dave's new favorite song is, "I'm a little teapot, short and stout." I'm going to kill him.

Yesterday I picked up some maternity panties from Old Navy. Dave's advice was to pick up a pack of smalls and a pack of mediums. We washed them tonight, and as I was folding them, Dave commented, "What the heck is that? Is that yours? Ho, I can fit um." I'm really going to kill him.

He's so dang sensitive it's not even funny. He really knows what to say to make me feel better about being LARGE.

culture

Tonight we went to the 4th Annual Lapu Lapu Award Dinner hosted by the Congress of Visayan Organizations. Dave's dad is big into the Filipino community, so we often go to these events that he is always a coordinator of. It's funny because when you're around them, Dave's mom is the more dominant vocal person, but Dave's dad is the one who is involved in all these organizations, fundraisers, ceremonies, parades, and dinners. Anyways, Dave's entire family, minus him, has won one of these Lapu Lapu awards, so either he'll continue to be the odd man out in his highly prestigious family, or he'll succumb to the pressure and try to win one of these awards too.

I have to admit that I HATE going to these dinner things...beyond the free food, it's nothing that I would want to participate in myself. Granted, once we're there the entertainment is usually pretty cool and it's interesting to look around at all these people in their Filipino grab, but beyond that, I would rather stay home.

First of all, I never know exactly what will be appropriate to wear...you always know when you go to one of these things, though, that there will be women in full on gowns and at least one couple wearing jeans and looking totally out of place. Dave and I strive to be in the middle somewhere. Tonight, however, finding a dress that still fits my ever growing body was kind of a challenge. Luckily it only took three tries or we might have ended up staying home.

Secondly, tonight has got to be the FIRST night that someone has NOT asked, "Oh, are you the son that went to Harvard?" Dave always has to explain that no, he's not that son...he's the other son. It always is half funny, half irritating to me. The reason no one asked tonight is because we were seated next to Dave's mom and on the other side of me was a couple who I'm pretty sure didn't have that good a grasp of English. Usually we get stuck making small talk to some random people.

Anyways, while we were there Dave said that he's sure his dad will pull him aside someday and remind him to instill a love of his Filipino culture in Caleb. Dave's dad is probably very disappointed in Dave's lack of Filipino-ness. He longs for the day when Dave will become interested in being an active member of the Filipino community...I think he still dreams that Dave will continue on his path.

I do wonder what kind of cultural traditions baby Caleb will grow up with. And I do worry that we are so "localized" that he won't have any strong Japanese or Filipino cultural traditions that he'll remember when he gets to be an adult. I even wonder what kind of foods he'll like...I haven't learned to cook Filipino foods, don't eat halo halo, bibingka, and cascaron. Dave will eat it, but he doesn't know how to cook it either. He won't have the luxury of both parents speaking a different language to learn from. I wonder if Caleb will learn how to speak any Visayan...will he even know Japanese at all? I'm sure he won't go to Japanese school like I did, he won't go to a Buddhist Sunday school like I did, he won't even go to a preschool affiliated with a Japanese church like I did. My parents are more local than old school Japanese so he won't even get it from them. And I'm not even thinking about his Chinese fourth...how will he even know anything about being Chinese? It'll be interesting...

cravings

I think the question I get most frequently is, "So, what are you craving?" And I always have to think of what it is that I have been craving. My answer is usually, "Nothing." And I really wonder, do I really crave nothing, or do I just not remember that I craved something, which is a big possibility.

I think overall what I crave is FOOD. Different things, at different times. I think it was worse during my first trimester, actually. I remember craving lemonade slushie and shrimp pad thai for a while. But that ended. I don't think I particularly crave anything, but I am starting to find that I'm hungry more often. Like tonight, we went to a Filipino awards dinner thing at the Hilton (that's a whole other blog entry in itself). I ate all my salad, all my dinner (except I gave the fish to Dave), and then we came home and I warmed me up some Campbell's Vegetable soup. I wasn't craving it, but I was a little hungry so I looked in the pantry cuz I knew I wanted something hot, and I saw a can of soup so I made that.

So peeps that are around me a lot, try to help me remember what I'm craving...if I am craving anything!

erupting belly button

Recently I have noticed that my belly button area is sore. I have several theories on why this is occuring...

1) Obviously, my belly is stretching beyond belief.
2) My piko is erupting and pushing it's former innie-self out, causing discomfort.
3) My piko-ring puka, which is closed but still a scar, is stretching itself open again with the stretching of my belly.
4) All of the above.


Other thoughts....

I just will never understand the lure of video games. As I type this, I watch Dave triumphantly win his baseball game...he played FOUR games tonight while I was at my bible group. I don't get it. He played so much playstation that he didn't eat dinner. NO game would ever take precedence over EATING to me, but I guess it does for Dave. He actually told me this morning, that he was excited for the end of the day because he knew he would be able to come home and play his game, and he said he's been having visions of swinging bats because he hasn't played for so long. He even skipped going to basketball and playing a real live game, to be able to come home and play video games. Granted, he had cross country practice first, but still. He promised that he would cut his hair while I was gone, but I still see chia pet on his head.

Thank goodness for no school tomorrow. Today was so muggy and gross that I was busting a sweat going around to write grades in the planner and pass papers back. I told my kids that it is getting harder and harder to breathe.

This morning as we were driving to school I noticed I had a puka in my shirt, right around the belly button area. Luckily, my lanyard and ID covered it, but after I took it off and went to the bathroom, I realized my white belly was showing through the puka in my black shirt.

Although I know sleeping on my side is the best, I can't keep that position throughout the night. And it's so dang hot that when I lie against the body pillow, I get all sweaty. But if I put the fan blowing straight at me, then lose my blanket in the night, I get cold or sore. Can't win.

heartburn?

I have this feeling in the back of my throat...like a food-is-stuffed-up-to-there and it's ready to come out acid tasting air. Is that what heartburn is? If it is, it sucks.

Blake said today that Stacie has only gained EIGHT pounds through her pregnancy...how freakin' depressing is that??? My weight gain started the week I found out I was pregnant and I continued to eat as though there was no tomorrow for most of my first trimester. This second trimester I've tried to tone it down a bit, and being that I feel like my stomach has become smaller, the eating choke has kind of stopped. But still, I've gained at least 12 pounds already...and I know it'll be at least 15 pounds by the time we go to the next doctor's appointment. I put on a dress today, which I thought looked really nice pre-pregnancy, but now I look like a fat whale with it on. And the sad part is, it's not like those cutesy little freaks who only look pregnant when you look at them straight on...my whole back is obviously pregnant too. For those who've known me for a while, you know my obsessiveness with the whole weight thing. I've fluctuated through the years from freshman year at college ridiculousness at around 117, to depression ridiculousness at about 94. I'm most comfortable at around 103...so my current 118ish makes me a little scared, especially knowing that I still have a LONG time before baby is born, and the books keep saying expect to gain about a pound a week from now on. Granted, baby Caleb finally weighs about a pound, which is cool, but still...

Dave and I are going to take a walk now. Heehee.

Week 23

Woohoo. Look at that round tummy. And that's first thing in the morning...you should see it at the end of the day!

getting more stuff...

Wow, babies need a lot of STUFF!! Now we have:

• crib/mattress
• Rainforest crib sheet and blanket
  
• bureau
• storage bins
• stroller/car seat
• bouncer
• rocker/ottoman

We bought the stroller/car seat and bouncer (in the RAINFOREST design that we both LOVE) off of Craigslist...now, for those who know me, I'm not a big fan of recycling stuff (I mean, I am a recycler, but I don't like to use used stuff like books, beds, etc.), but the prices of new vs. used were too good to pass up. The Combi travel system on babiesrus was $350; the one we bought was $95. The bouncer goes for about $50; ours, $25. Now granted, if we had gone to look at the stuff and the place was all bus' and the people were gross, I wouldn't have bought it, but it was a beautiful house in Mililani Mauka, which was immaculately decorated in obviously expensive Japanese samurai-ish decor (seriously, like had the full Last Samurai suit thingy on display, plus a sword framed on the wall)...and the peeps were Japanese/Chinese, so I got a good vibe. Ask my mom...I was traumatized by almost having to ride to gymnastics in an "American" person's filthy, dog hair covered, stink butt car. I literally cried until my mom drove me herself. It's her fault for making me anal about things like that anyways.

So, Dave is now trying to figure out how all these things work together (putting the car seat in the stroller, figuring out how to open and close the stroller, seeing how the base attaches in the car). I guess I gotta learn those things too, but I'm not into it right now.

BTW, Dave made his second dinner tonight. Granted, it was Hamburger Helper, but at least it's another meal he can cook on his own.

tired!

This past week was our first full week of school...and though I didn't realize it during the early part of the week, by the end of the week I was feeling the full effects of being TIRED. Granted, I feel way more alive and awake than I did during the first trimester, but I'm not looking forward to the third trimester when I'm told the tired-ness moves to another level as you lug around all the extra weight. I think my weekends will have to be filled with naps...yesterday I just couldn't help myself and fell asleep hard while Tash and Dave watched Olympics. Then last night after my shower I crashed hard again. Right now, I feel like a nap is necessary if I'm going to get through dinner. Goodness.

Dave needs to learn how to cook because I'm getting less enthusiastic about doing all the cooking around here. Tonight he's going to make chicken stir fry (I figure that's simple enough, especially if I cut up the vegetables for him) for dinner since his parents are coming over. I'm just too lazy.

K-den, time for a nap.

stretching...

Yesterday, for the first time, I started to feel like my stomach was stretched beyond capacity. It felt like my skin was going to burst and everything was super tight. I understand that it's going to get even worse, but I just can't imagine how. We better be more conscientious about putting that lotion on my stomach...not that I truly believe it will help with stretch marks, but just to trick my mind into not worrying about it so much.

So I found out the other day that I might not be able to take off as much as I wanted to (the whole second semester) and still get paid. Some DOE bull...I gotta still find out for sure what the deal is, but if what I was told is true and I can't "trick" the system somehow (or get over my moral dilemma with that idea), I may be back in either 3rd quarter or 4th quarter. Right now the idea of coming back doesn't phase me too much...it bums me out a little bit, but in a way I kind of like the idea of finishing the year out with my kids.

As far as what happens after that...that's still a question mark too. Dave hasn't tried to check with the Resident Manager yet...the Association was supposed to have their meeting at the end of June, but we haven't heard yet if they have given us approval to do baby-sitting in our unit. If that falls through, I'm not sure what we're going to do. We can't afford to live on one salary, so it's either that I'd have to get some other job where I work at night or something, break the rules and babysit "nieces and nephews," or give up my dream of staying at home. Ah, God has a plan for us, so whatever happens, happens.

SORE!!!

Yesterday I wore my crappy Longs brand no arch support slippers to school and I freakin' paid the price. I think my pain tolerance is pretty good, after all, my childhood dentist fixed all my cavities without numbing my mouth ever, but yesterday was unbearable. My back and butt were super sore by the end of the day...came home and sat around (I actually have to sit at the table now and put my legs up instead of on the floor at my Japanese table), but it didn't help. I took a warm shower to try to ease the pain, but as I lie in bed, every little movement hurt like heck. After about an hour I tried to get out of bed to go use the bathroom...and I freakin' couldn't stand, let alone walk. I actually fell down...and it was too sore to stand myself up. I crawled to the bathroom (Dave wasn't home...freakin' on his dang boyscapade) and pulled myself up on the door frame, used the bathroom, then balanced myself on the counter until the pain started to get bearable. I went back to bed, and when Dave came home he helped me up again and I walked around. I was scared I would wake up this morning not able to walk, but though there was still pain, it was better.

So today I wore shoes, which was better, but my feet still hurt like heck and I swear shoes make me waddle even more. We went to Ala's to try to buy some Crocs, but of course they don't have the size I wear except in fluorescent pink. So we headed to Macy's and even though I fully don't believe in buying shoes (besides athletic shoes) that cost more than $20, I bought non-sale Calisto slide on wedges. I'll pay for the price of comfort after what happened last night.

Week 22

I'm sure hoping it cools down soon...night sucks because I'm so super hot, and being in my classroom, especially after lunch, is killer. Even with a fan blowing directly at me, everything gets sticky and sweaty. Yuck.

One of my kids told me today that "It's weird to have a pregnant teacher." I never really though about it before, but like Leish said, I guess they DO know how a person gets pregnant, and what's even more weird is that they know WHO I got pregnant from! Heehee.

stuff...

Someday I'll figure out how to scan pictures into my computer and then I'll put up the ultrasound pics we got....wanna help me with that, tech-savvy Leish or Deena???

Anyways, for the first time today, while looking at the magic eye pictures (also known as ultrasound pics), my magic eyes focused correctly and I can see the baby's face!!!!! Besides feeling the first kicks, that has got to be the coolest thing ever!!! My baby LOOKS like a BABY!!!! Pretty nutts. I dunno if any of you have seen Dave and my D&B morph pics, but if you have, you'll understand why I'm so concerned about what our baby will actually look like.

Speaking of nutts...I am just trippin' on just how much this baby moves around. I can feel him all the time now...sitting down, during class, walking around, and especially lying down. He goes nutts sometimes (reminds me of me getting CRAZY when Dave strolls to the car on a Friday after basketball!!!! hehe) and seems like he's doing some somersaults and ninja kicks. It's cool. Dave gets to feel it all the time and my dad and Tash got to feel it today.

After not seeing JJ for three weeks (maybe a little bit more), I am more determined than ever to not be separated from my baby for even just a night. The changes that have occurred in JJ in just three weeks...he's bigger, stronger, and even his cries and facial expressions are different!
I can't wait for my own Caleb to be here...

first day with kids...

Dang, Caleb is going to be SMART when he comes out of the womb...he had his first day of school today. He's also going to know my voice really well cuz he listened to me talk all day today! Dave said he'll just be that much more irritated by my voice and will want to hear Dave's soothing voice instead of mine. Probably.

The more I think about it, the more I hope for a little Dave. Caleb's going to be born near Dave's birthday and from what his mom tells me, Dave was a kicker in the womb too. Caleb kicks choke and kicks HARD. I'm surprised...didn't expect to feel so much so soon. It's cool and weird and I keep making Dave feel my stomach but after a while I guess one kick feels like another because after a while he gets bored of waiting to feel it.

Going through a whole day (thank goodness it was a short day!) was okay. The worst thing was that I got super breathless while talking. Other than that, it was fine. We'll see how it goes tomorrow.